


Don't Blink Or You'll Miss It

by kiera1331, Stegaysaurus



Series: DBOYMI [1]
Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Spies & Secret Agents, Fake AH Crew, Illegal Activities, M/M, Marijuana, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-18
Updated: 2018-07-09
Packaged: 2019-03-20 20:18:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 26,989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13725228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kiera1331/pseuds/kiera1331, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stegaysaurus/pseuds/Stegaysaurus
Summary: If you asked any of the guys, they would say they worked for the government to help contain leaks, and that their work is done legally and efficiently. When work flow slows down, and the secret leaked is about the Achievement Hunters, they hold together even as everything around them does just the opposite. Fighting to build and maintain anonymity, love lives, and, in Ray's case, a little fucking sanity, time goes far too fast for any of them to really realize.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> so i totally hooked my sister on achievement hunter and we decided to do a collab!! strap in folks, this outta be a good one -A

Ryan woke up at five like clockwork, drowsiness weighing down his eyelids as he shuffled out of bed in the dark. He pulled on a pair of sweatpants, foregoing a shirt and cracking open his door. The hallway was black and silent, the only noise in the entire apartment being the loud snoring seeping out of Jack’s half-opened door. He tiptoed into the living room, surprised when he heard movement in the kitchen. It took him less than a second to retrieve the knife shoved between the couch cushions, twirling it around in his fingers as he approached the shadowy doorway.

He flicked the light on with no warning, squinting at the sudden harsh light. There was a telltale bird-like squawk, and Ryan felt all of his sudden alertness fall away. His sighed heavily, blinking as his eyes adjusted enough for him to really make out the scene in front of him. And then he wished he didn't.

Gavin was pressed up against the counter, a flush staining his cheeks as he tried to hide his face. Michael was looking rather shameless at being caught, a wide grin on his face as he turned to look at Ryan. Ryan scowled, slamming the knife down on the nearby table and letting out an upset huff.

He turned towards the fridge, giving the two a chance to straighten themselves out behind him. He yanked open the door, pulling out the orange juice container. He heard Gavin make a little sound somewhere between a whimper and a grunt, followed by the sound of Michael’s mouth popping wetly as he went through the motions of pouring himself a glass. When he turned around, Michael had busied himself with trying to grab something off the top shelf. Gavin, however, was still leant against the counter as though some invisible force kept him pinned despite Michael’s presence being several feet away. He had a fresh mark on his neck, darkening into a bruise that Ryan knew would linger for the rest of the week.

“Any new work yet?” he asked mildly, sipping his juice and watching Michael struggle to grasp the box of Trix on the top shelf.

“Not yet,” Michael hummed, a little disappointment seeping into his voice at the reminder of their current unemployment.

It wasn't as though they were broke, they could afford to pay the rent and keep the fridge stocked for the next couple of months between the seven of them, but without the contracts they all went a little stir crazy. Ray often joked that if the government jobs they got didn't come as steady as they did, they’d take over the city in a week. Ryan had already picked up two slightly-less-than-legal jobs in the three weeks they’d had since their last contract, and he was angling for a third before the week was up.

“We might be getting some soon, it looks like there’s a leak on the dark web. A big one too,” Gavin put in, pushing himself off the counter and snatching the box of cereal off the top shelf.

Michael let out an upset little huff as Gavin handed it to him, busying himself with wrestling a bowl out of the dish drain.

“A leak, huh?” Ryan hummed, taking another sip of juice. He remembered seeing something suspiciously specific online a couple days ago, but decided to brush it off as another conspiracy theory that was far too close to the truth to really be addressed without civilian suspicions.

Gavin hummed the affirmative, stealing a spoonful of dry cereal out of Michael’s bowl as he turned away to retrieve the milk.

“Looks like it might even employ us all, if they really want it taken down before it gets too widespread.”

Ryan nodded slowly, swirling the liquid around in his glass before downing it all in one go. He placed it in the sink, making a mental note to wash it later to avoid Geoff’s bitching. He made his way to the bathroom, eyes flicking over the rainbow of toothbrushes resting in a cup on the sink before plucking out his black one. He grabbed the nearly empty toothpaste tube, making another mental note to add that to the shopping list, and turned on the sink. He relied on muscle memory to go through the motions, staring into his own eyes in the mirror as he brushed. Jeremy appeared in the doorway behind him, and he shuffled over to make room for him around the sink.

“Michael and Gavin are making out in the kitchen again,” Jeremy sighed, voice still gravelly from sleep.

It sent a pleasant little shiver down Ryan’s spine, Jeremy’s morning voice sounding far too close to his post sex voice, and he spat the minty white foam into the sink to avoid responding immediately. Jeremy waltzed up behind him, plucking a garish purple and orange toothbrush from the cup and following Ryan’s example. It was a tad too domestic, the two of them pressed together in the small bathroom brushing their teeth as the early morning sunlight spilled in through the windows in the kitchen.

Ryan finished up quickly, rinsing his mouth out and making a hasty escape from the room. He padded into the living room, flipping on the news and plopping down on the battered sectional they had shoved in the corner of the living room. He listened passively to headlines he’d seen the night before, news stories that were entirely irrelevant and no doubt over exaggerated. He sat until the soft morning light filled the room, and only snapped out of it when Ray dropped down beside him, controller in hand. It took him a moment to realize the news had been switched to the XBox startup screen, but before he could complain another controller was being shoved into his hand.

“Portal 2,” he murmured, interrupting any qualms Ryan had with playing video games at, he glanced, seven in the morning.

Jack shuffled out a while later, dressed and awake with a less-dressed and barely-awake Geoff trailing behind him. Ray paused the game when Ryan got up, already switching over to the Wii and setting up Mario Kart before Ryan even made it to the kitchen doorway.

“Any work yet?” Ryan questioned quietly, barely loud enough to hear over the Lad’s suddenly far-too-awake shouting as they wrestled for unbroken controllers.

Geoff gave him a tired look, the bags under his eyes far more pronounced than they’d been in months, and Ryan almost felt bad for asking. Almost.

“I can't pull contracts out of my ass, Haywood,” he said flatly, letting out a grateful little hum as Jack slipped a cup of coffee into his hands.

“But you can look for them,” Ryan pointed out with an eyebrow raise, watching Jack pull out eggs and bacon.

“So can you.”

“I have been,” Ryan sighed, fingers twitching as he tried to find something to do.

He settled for helping Jack crack eggs into a glass bowl, nose wrinkling as he made a mess of his hands. Jack just picked out the shells, nudging Ryan’s hands away when he started getting more egg on himself than in the bowl. Ryan sighed, itching for the feel of a gun in his hands again.

“You know,” Ryan said slowly, running his hands under warm water to get the goop off his fingers. “We could do some..less than legal work, in the meantime.”

Geoff huffed out a laugh, taking a sip of his coffee and visibly trying not to flinch as it burned down his throat. Ryan shrugged, wiping his hands on his sweatpants to dry them.

“What’s your definition of less than legal work, Mr. Hitman?” Jack chuckled, pulling a fork from the drawer and whisking the eggs.

“Well,” Ryan started, the tone of his voice alone making Jack pause to give him his full attention. “We could always do a little crime, keep the earnings to ourselves.”

“You’re insane,” Geoff said flatly, taking a long sip of coffee.

“Hear me out, Geoff,” Ryan tried, but Jack had already gone back to whisking and Geoff was giving him a look that he knew meant he was absolutely not going to be heard out.

“You want to put my team, our team, in danger,” Geoff murmured lowly, dull blue eyes flicking up to meet Ryan’s as though he were staring straight into his very core. “For what? A little extra cash? It’s not happening, Vagabond, so get it out of your head.”

Ryan froze at the name, heart dropping to his stomach as he realized how much Geoff actually disliked the idea. He fell silent, watching as Jack turned the stove on and rummaged around for pans. Jeremy walked in a moment later, having probably gone back to his room when Ryan had drifted off into his own thoughts, glancing around as he saw the Gents standing in a tense silence.

“What happened?” he questioned carefully, seeming to gravitate towards Ryan as he padded farther into the kitchen.

“Nothing,” Ryan said quickly.

Jeremy raised an eyebrow, letting out a disbelieving little hum, but left it. Geoff glowered at Ryan, the look never leaving his face as he stomped out of the kitchen. Jack purposefully ignored Jeremy’s curiosity, continuing his task in making breakfast with a little too much focus. 

“Ryan! Get over here!” Gavin shouted, pulling Ryan from his thoughts. Jeremy watched as Ryan walked to where Gavin sat on the couch before moving to help Jack. Ryan looked at the Brit, eyes flicking down to read his laptop screen as Gavin turned it to him. “Seems like someone is looking for you. Maybe from your recent inaction the thought is that you’re in a vulnerable situation.”

“Eh, no one’s ever really tried for the bounty’s on my head. I’m not too worried,” Ryan shrugged it off easily. Gavin raised an eyebrow at the man before sighing, continuing with whatever work he was doing before. Ryan slipped into the kitchen, grabbing the shopping list from next to the fridge. “Everyone all set with the shopping list? I’m heading out to go on errands.”

“Add coffee to the list!” Geoff shouted from his room.

“Look at some fruit, please?” Jack asked. Ryan added both items to the list, including toothpaste from his earlier mental note. He flashed a smile at Jeremy before slipping from the apartment; he hadn’t noticed that he was still only in his sweatpants and a tee shirt when he pulled on his boots.

He walked down the street, shopping list in his pocket along with his wallet. The streets were quiet as they could be in the city, being mid morning on a Tuesday. Ryan slipped into the nearest grocery store, stalking the aisles for his target items. Walking down the cereal aisle, he paused as he locked eyes with someone, their unnervingly victorious grin directed at him. It was a moment too late to run, as the man pulled out a pistol, barrel staring Ryan straight between the eyes. “I may just get that lovely bounty after all.”


	2. Chapter 2

Ryan stared at the man, body tense. The aisle was still, frozen in time aside from Ryan and this hooded man, and it suddenly clicked in Ryan’s mind that he’d left his knife on the counter at home. He sighed heavily, raising an eyebrow at the man, “Do I know you?”

“You don’t need to,” the man retorted, stalking closer, “Now, will you walk out quietly or will I have to shoot up this store?”

There was a pause from Ryan. He didn’t want to cause any collateral damage for the price on his head, but he also wasn’t exactly sure how he could get out of this without risking the man making a dumb rookie mistake the minute they stepped outside the doors. Slowly, he set down the basket and nodded to the man, turning to walk out of the store. He knew that the man was following closely, so when he exited the store, he sent an elbow flying back before booking it as fast as he could. Just past the store, Ryan slipped into an alley. He could hear the man running after him and cast about frantically for anything that could be used as a weapon. Ryan snatched a warped metal pipe from the ground, pivoting to face the man when he heard the familiar cocking of a gun. It’s too early for this, Ryan groaned in his head.

“Well, now. Seems like you have me cornered in an alley. What now?” Ryan joked, internally cursing himself for not checking to see if the bounty was for him alive or if it allowed him to be handed over dead. 

“You’ll get a bullet in your skull,” the man said. Ryan ducked and ran towards the man just as he heard the gun going off. Ryan didn’t really feel the grazing of a bullet on his temple as he tackled the man to the ground. Ryan, having surprised the man, had an easy time getting the gun out of his attacker’s hands. He heard footsteps approaching and bolted, not wanting to deal with the fuzz this early in the morning. 

When he arrived back at the apartment, Ryan carefully opened the door. He was out of breath as he stepped into the room, groaning as soon as he entered. With a heavy sigh, Ryan gestured, at Gavin and Michael in front of him, eyes closed, “What the fuck you guys, again? Really?”

“Oh heyyy— Ryan, are you bleeding?” Michael shouts, pointing to his face, and Ryan, cracking his eyes, ran his fingers over his temple where a little throb had started. He wasn’t surprised to find blood on his fingers. Ryan elected to ignore the squawking from Gavin as he responded. 

“I mean, apparently,” Ryan shrugged, wiping the blood on his sweatpants before passing the couple. He quickly glanced through the kitchen and living room, not seeing anyone. “Where is everyone?”

“Ryan, you’re bleeding. Stop,” Michael said, catching Ryan’s arm before the man could move farther. Ryan sighed, obediently sitting at the kitchen counter as Michael started cleaning up the crimson staining his face and making his skin itch. Gavin reappeared moments later with a very concerned Jack.

“Ryan, what the hell happened?” Jack shouted as he slapped away Michael’s hands. He pulled a chair in front of Ryan, plopping down and gingerly looking over the wound. 

“It’s just a scratch,” Ryan replied defensively. Jack raised an eyebrow at him before pouring some rubbing alcohol on a washcloth and holding it to Ryan’s temple. 

“Ryan, I swear I will kill you myself if you didn’t get coffee,” Geoff grumbled as he dragged himself in to lean against the kitchen door frame. 

“I was being shot at! I had to leave everything in the middle of the aisle! I didn’t want him shooting up the place for little old me!” Ryan retorted, sharply closing his eye as Jack warningly pressed harder against his temple. 

“But we’re out of coffee,” Geoff muttered to himself before barking, “Michael. Go get some damn coffee.”

Michael was about to protest, but Gavin’s face cuts him short. With a reluctant sigh, Michael grabbed his wallet and keys before shuffling out the apartment door with an upset grumble. Ryan smirked at this display before turning his attention to Jack’s questions. 

“So who did this?”

“Well, he didn’t give me a name but it was for a bounty. He seemed very pleased to see me,” Ryan grumbled, still uneasy about how that man so easily recognized him. He hadn’t been that careless lately, had he?

“Which bounty was it? Or did he say?” Jack continued as he deemed Ryan’s temple wound non life threatening. 

“It might’ve been the one from this morning. That was the highest bounty and provided a few pictures of yourself,” Gavin piped up, earning shocked gazes from Geoff and Jack. 

“Why wasn’t I informed?” Geoff demanded, not caring who answered. 

“I was gonna tell you, but then Ryan left and you got that call for a job,” Gavin said defensively as Ryan perked up at the mention of a job.

“A job? What kind of job?” 

“No,” Geoff said sternly, “You just got shot at for a bounty. It’s too risky to send you anywhere.”

“Geoff--” Ryan started.

“No. End of story. You’re stuck here with Jeremy and Ray,” Geoff stopped him. Ryan grumbled as Jack moved back, allowing Ryan to stand up. Geoff kept a hard eye on Ryan, making sure Ryan wouldn’t try and sneak out. As much as Geoff knew Ryan needed a job, less for cash and more to prevent him going stir crazy, he couldn’t risk Ryan getting killed because of the price tag on his head. 

“Oh, and you might want to bleach the wall near the door and the counter! Michael and Gavin were fucking again!” Ryan called out from his walk of shame to his room. Geoff groaned, shooting a piercing glare at the Gavin on the couch as Jack smacked him on the back of the head, beginning his lecture on proper behaviour again. Ryan smirked, slipping into his room, as Geoff and Jack got those two cleaning.


	3. Chapter 3

It wasn't even two in the afternoon when Ryan smelt something burning. The graze on his temple had given him something between a headache and a migraine, and he’d drawn the curtains and shut off the lights in an effort to get rid of it. However, Jeremy’s panicked yelling from the kitchen and the smell of smoke didn't exactly bode well for the apartment building. He forced himself out of bed before the smoke detectors could go off, opening his door and squinting at the sudden light.

His nose wrinkled as he was hit with the smell of burning toast, and briefly wondered if he was having a stroke. Jeremy’s head poked around the corner just as he was debating putting earplugs in instead of dealing with the yelling, and the panicked yelling turned into cries of his name and the smoke thickened.

“Shut up,” he grumbled stoically, unable to keep a little smirk off his lips as Jeremy and Gavin fell silent immediately.

Ray was sat at the dining room table with an unimpressed look on his face, swirling around a can of Monster. Ryan opened the windows to clear out the air, giving him a disapproving look.

“I tried to stop them,” Ray deadpanned, gesturing to the two of them helplessly as they tried to get the almost-flaming toast out of the toaster. “They’re animals.”

Ryan shook his head, grabbing a dish towel off the counter and trying to wave the majority of the smoke out the window without making his headache worse.

“Where’s Geoff?” he rasped tiredly, giving all three of them an unamused look.

“He went out,” Gavin piped up, juggling the still hot toast between his hands. “Business, I think.”

“Business, huh?” Ryan said casually, feigning a passive disinterest.

“Yeah, something about all the bounties on you recently,” the Brit continued, giving up on the burnt bread and tossing it in the bin.

“You might get put on leave, Ryan,” Ray cut in, taking the final bit of Monster in the can in one swig and tapping the metal against the table. Ryan narrowed his eyes, fists clenching at the mere notion of being unable to work.

The smoke had cleared out, but Ryan’s headache still thrummed in his temples. He let out a long sigh, shoulders dropping as exhaustion hit him all at once. He had no idea where it came from, it wasn't as though he’d had much to keep him busy enough to have been tired out, and Jeremy was at his side in a second, gripping his arm and standing in his personal space. Ryan couldn't find it in himself to dislike the proximity.

“C’mon, Rye,” Jeremy mumbled, voice soft as he realized how much Ryan’s head must be hurting.

Ryan could only follow as he was tugged down the hall, eyebrows furrowing as he was guided past his room and into Jeremy’s own. He squinted at the immediate purple and orange assault on his eyes, and Jeremy flipped the lights off to lessen the intensity of the colours. Jeremy coerced Ryan over to his bed, pushing him down into the soft embrace of the blankets piled on thick. Ryan chuckled as Jeremy dug through the pile of blankets and clothing at the foot of the bed, raising an eyebrow as he pulled out a black blanket with little skulls printed across it.

“Isn’t that mine?” Ryan questioned, shifting around as Jeremy curled next to him and pulled the blanket up.

“Well,” Jeremy started awkwardly, and Ryan could practically feel the flush rising on his face. “I missed you.”

Ryan chose not to respond to that, letting his eyes slip shut and his breathing even out. Jeremy sighed against his chest, the heat of his breath seeping through the thin cotton of his shirt, and Ryan had to repress a little shudder as he relaxed into the soft mattress. He supposed this was meant to help him sleep off the headache, but the rise and fall of Jeremy's chest against his side slowed into a telltale rhythm before Ryan even felt drowsy. He laid still until he was sure he could move without waking Jeremy immediately. He turned onto his side, thankful that the graze was on the left as he pulled Jeremy’s small frame against his chest and cradled him there in a rare moment of tenderness.

He’d zoned out when the door opened, lost in thoughts that he couldn't remember once he’d had them, and blinked blearily at Ray’s casually disinterested expression. He moved to pull away from Jeremy, halting when Ray flapped his hand at him.

“Stay comfortable,” he shrugged carelessly, “I’m going out on a hit, I’ll probably be back late.”

Ryan’s eyebrows furrowed, voice quiet to keep from waking Jeremy. “Geoff’s sending you out?”

Ray was quiet for a long moment, seemingly unable to make eye contact. He shifted the bag slung over one shoulder. When he looked back up, his eyes told the whole story in a single glance. Ray probably wouldn’t be back for awhile.

“No,” Ray said finally, taking a deep breath. “I think, I think I’m gonna try some solo work, for awhile.”

There was a long silence, Ryan unsure of what to say. He knew Ray would be missed in his absence, but he knew well why the man was going out solo more and more often.

“If they ask,” Ray said quietly, aware that Ryan would keep his secrets silent until he wanted it known. “If they ask, tell them I just went on a trip.”

“To see your mother,” Ryan said casually, as though he were mentioning a random fact he’d been reminded of.

Ray was quiet for a long moment, rubbing his palm against the chipping painted wood of the door jamb. He let out a breathe, murmuring a sad little ‘mama Narvaez’ before nodding and turning to leave. Ryan watched, not taking his eyes off the door until he head the front door open and close firmly. He took a deep breath, settling back down to hold Jeremy close.

“Don’t leave, Jeremy,” Ryan whispered, barely audible even in the silent room. He let his breathing finally even out, settling into a slightly fitful doze with Jeremy in his arms.

Jeremy himself bit the inside of his lip, trying to slow his heartbeat and maintain his relaxed posture lest Ryan realize he wasn't as deeply asleep as he thought.


	4. Chapter 4

Ryan was leaning against the doorway to the kitchen. He glanced at the clock, sighing when he saw it’s still early morning. He’s been waiting since one in the morning; now it’s nearly three in the morning. Geoff and Jack are very capable people and even Gavin said they weren’t doing something all that dangerous. Just doing some work to reduce bounties. A simple routine job for them. They shouldn’t be this late returning from the apparent errand job. Ryan grumbles, slipping into the kitchen to fill a glass with water. 

“Oh yeah, I’m not allowed to go on any dangerous jobs but they can. And it’s not even all that dangerous! It’s routine!” Ryan quietly grumbled unhappily to himself as he returned to his perch against the kitchen doorway. He was glaring at the door as the lock slowly turns, indicating someone’s arrival, about half an hour after he had retaken his perch. Geoff and Jack quietly stumbled into the apartment, Jack was gently supporting Geoff. “So, how’d it go?”

“Ryan--”

“No,” Ryan cut Jack off, “I’m going crazy from no work yet you two can go on a job and come back ass early in the morning. Why couldn’t you have asked me to do the job? I need the work, Jack. It’s not fair that I get shot at and end up completely unharmed yet I can’t go on simple errand jobs. I can do grunt work! I don’t care at this point!”

“Ryan, you stupid asshole,” Geoff muttered sleepily, accepting the offered support from Jack. Ryan was about to respond when someone hit his arm. He turned around to see Jeremy standing there, looking at the late, beaten-up pair with a questioning stare.

“When did that happen? Do you know?” Jeremy asks softly as Jack sits Geoff in a chair before grabbing asprin and a glass of water. Ryan glances at Jeremy, tilting his head carefully, trying to understand what Jeremy was asking.

“What the hell are you--” Ryan stopped mid sentence before continuing in a hurried, disbelieving whisper, “Wait. What? What the fuck did I miss? What?”

Jeremy stays silent as he watches Jack carefully help Geoff back up, the latter complaining about being too old for this shit. Both Ryan and Jeremy watch as Jack supports Geoff by his waist, pausing in front of them, “Listen, Ryan. You can bitch me out, just let me get Geoff to bed. He’s had a rough time. I’ll be right back for you to bitch.”

Ryan doesn’t even respond as he stares wide eyed at Jack leading Geoff into the latter’s room. He opens his mouth just to close it a few times, before starting, “What the fu--”

“Are you telling me you don’t see Jack and Geoff as a couple?” Jeremy challenges, crossing his arms across his chest. “Even if they’re too blind to realize doesn’t mean we have to be.”

“But--What--Wait--” Ryan tries to collect his thoughts, pausing as he does so. He turns his head towards Jeremy, “How long have you figured?”

“Eh, about a few months give or take. It’s quite amusing that you didn’t notice,” Jeremy responds with a sly grin. Ryan slumps against the wall a bit more as realization sinks in.

“Alright, yeah. I can see them as a couple; I don’t see how I missed it for this long, though,” Ryan says before sighing. “They don’t have a clue, do they?”

“Have a clue about what?” Jack says, re entering the room. Ryan and Jeremy tense, giving each other a wide-eyed stare. How much had Jack heard? Jack moves towards them before looking at Ryan. “How’s your head doing?”

“Fine,” Ryan said, “But I think you might want to examine our toaster. I’m not sure if it can still count as usable after this afternoon.”

“What the fuck did Gavin do?” Jack mutters as he moves towards the toaster. Jeremy snickers, holding his hand over his mouth. Ryan raises an eyebrow as Jeremy rests his forehead on Ryan’s arm, still giggling.

“What did you do?” Ryan asks Jeremy, not loud enough for Jack to hear, though. Jeremy tries to catch his breath, taking a minute to do so.

“So it might not have been entirely Gavin’s fault,” Jeremy laughs. After feeling Ryan’s heavy sigh, he manages to get himself together, looking straight at Ryan. “Gavin popped the toast down once. I popped the same toast down three or four more times and told him it wasn’t ready.”

“Oh my god Jeremy.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's late!! ahh, i'm sorry, but at least there's some heated jeremwood here

“R-Ryan,” Jeremy whined, tangling his fingers in the older man’s hair in a desperate attempt to ground himself.

Ryan chuckled against his skin, scraping his teeth over Jeremy’s adam’s apple and delighting in the little shiver that wracked the body beneath him. He dragged his hands up Jeremy’s sides, loving the way Jeremy pushed up into every little touch with a desperate fervour. He bit down on Jeremy’s neck, in the process of sucking a dark mark into the pale skin when he heard a panicked shout down the hallway. He yanked his quilt over them just as Gavin burst through the door, screaming bloody murder and flooding the room with the hallway light.

“Can I help you?” Ryan growled, giving Gavin a look that could kill.

Gavin’s raucous squawking stopped abruptly, followed by a long, awkward gurgle as he realized what he’d walked in on. Jeremy’s face pressed against Ryan’s chest, and he could feel his face heating as he blushed.

“R-uh, Ray’s been gone for awhile and his phone’s stopped pinging,” Gavin squeaked, looking away and shielding his eyes.

Ryan slipped out of bed, thankful he’d kept on his boxers up to this point, and snatched up a pair of sweats off the floor. He struggled into them one-handed, shoving Gavin out with the other to give Jeremy some privacy.

“It could just be dead,” Ryan offered, closing the door behind him and crossing his arms over his bare chest. He briefly wished he’d known how cold the hallway was.

“For two days?” Gavin responded, adamantly holding eye contact to prevent his eyes from wandering.

Ryan paused. Ray was careless with his battery power, but not so careless that he’d let it stay dead for two days. Mostly because he liked to browse reddit while he was waiting for a target to move into position, but also because he knew well that Gavin had all of their phones pinging his on a regular basis and that to disappear for more than a couple hours was cause to get hunted down.

“Did you see him before he left?” Gavin asked quietly, fingers twitching as he itched to just track his exact location.

Ryan paused, eyes flicking down to Gavin’s fidgeting hands. “I didn't.”

There was a pregnant pause between the two of them, and when Ryan raised his eyes they met with Gavin’s own slightly narrowed ones.

“Gavin--”

“Ryan,” Gavin interrupted sharply, and Ryan was caught off guard by the dangerous look flashing in those emerald eyes. “Don’t lie to me, Ryan. You know I haven't tracked Ray because of the privacy agreement, but your withholding information from me is reason to break it and pinpoint his exact location.”

A curl of defensive anger flared through Ryan’s chest, and he could tell that his eyes hardened from the sudden falter in Gavin’s expression. He took a step towards the Brit, looming over him.

“Listen here, Golden Boy, I don't know anything. Stay in your lane, before I. Put. You.There,” Ryan snarled, lip curling as he punctuated his words with a firm finger jab to Gavin’s chest.

He turned when he felt a gentle hand on his forearm, met with the sight of a now dressed Jeremy. Hickeys littered his neck, unhideable with the low cut of his t shirt, and Ryan softened as he realized just what he was doing.

“I hope you aren't lying to me, Ryan,” Gavin murmured bitterly, taking off down the hall before Ryan could register what he’d said.

Jeremy’s lips collided with his as soon as Gavin’s back was turned, sweeping away any thought process Ryan was having anyway. Ryan let out a little groan as he was guided back into his bedroom, chuckling when Jeremy shut the door and pushed him up against it. Jeremy’s hands guided his own over his body, sliding them up under his clothing and against his warm skin. He let out a little shudder and Ryan’s chilly fingers, and Ryan tipped his head back as he felt a mark being sucked into his own neck.

Lips travelled up to his ear, hot breath puffed against his skin, and Ryan waited for Jeremy’s teasing, whispered words weaved together just for him.

“Why’d you lie to Gavin?”


	6. Chapter 6

“You were awake,” Ryan stated, more to himself rather than Jeremy. He sighed before continuing, to Jeremy this time, “Ray will be fine. If he doesn’t come back in two more days, then it’s an issue for us. Until then, no one needs to know.”

“How are you so certain?” Jeremy asked. Ryan sighed heavily as he rested his forehead on Jeremy’s shoulder. 

“Do you trust me?” Ryan asked, placing his hands gently on Jeremy’s hips, breath fanning across Jeremy’s neck. The shorter man nodded, leaning his head to the side for Ryan. Taking that as permission, Ryan started to lead them back to their bed, back to their prior activities.

~~~~~

“Ryan! Jeremy! Not gonna say it again!” Geoff shouted from just outside their door, “Get your asses out here and eat before I fucking shove you out the window!”

Ryan groaned in response, shifting slightly as Jeremy angirly muttered in his sleepy haze. Jack came to their rescue from Geoff, “I think they’re getting up. Give them five minutes, then you can shove them out the window.”

Jeremy clung tightly to Ryan as he started moving to get up. “I don’t wanna get up.”

“Would you prefer getting bitched at by Geoff and Jack for ‘not taking care of ourselves’ again? I sure as fuck don’t,” Ryan grumbled, standing up to shrug on a shirt and make sure his sweatpants were actually on. The last time this happened, they were working on something important, and both of them had completely forgotten to eat for about two days. The aftermath from Jack alone was nightmare worthy. Jeremy refused to move, causing Ryan to sigh. “Well, if you want to have Jack mothering you, go ahead. I’m going to get food before Geoff gets past Jack and throws me out the window.”

“Nonono, I’m up, I’m up,” Jeremy muttered, copying Ryan’s previous movements before walking out of their room and into the kitchen. Ryan stood just near the doorway, taking in Jack and Geoff talking. Gavin and Michael were sat at the table with some food, talking quietly. A soft smile overcame Ryan’s features as he watched Jeremy interacting with Jack as he warmed something up. 

The evening passed by easily, conversation flowing. There was still no work for them, but Ryan had to admit that this was entertaining. Geoff shouted at Gavin and Michael for something, Ryan didn’t really pay attention. Lying to Gavin about Ray was easy, simple, for Ryan. Lying to Jeremy? That’s a completely different beast. Truth is, Ryan didn’t know shit about Ray or how he’s doing. Lying to Jeremy made Ryan feel as if he’s betraying himself. Jeremy deserves better. Ryan watched intently as Jeremy laughed at something Geoff had said, Jack spluttering indignantly. He refused to acknowledge anything but a mutual lustful attraction with Jeremy. That’s all they were, wasn’t it? Ryan knew that he would just end up hurting Jeremy, and there is no possibility it would be purposeful. But, he also knew the importance of Ray’s secrecy, even if he didn’t know all the details. Michael dragged Ryan into the conversation, momentarily allowing Ryan to leave his thoughts alone.

~~~~~

Jeremy woke up with a start. He glanced sleepily at the clock: four-thirty in the morning. Ryan’s spot in bed was cold, but that didn’t instantly set Jeremy off. Jeremy knew that Ryan couldn’t always sleep and sometimes he just needed to be alone. But, after listening for a minute, Jeremy didn’t hear anything but the soft snores of his companions down the hall. Standing up, he carefully moved from the bedroom to the common area. A figure laid on the couch, and as Jeremy got closer, he saw that it was Ray. Ray came back, but Jeremy still didn’t know where Ryan was. 

“What are you doin’?” Ray’s drowsy voice broke the silence. Jeremy froze, having thought that Ray was out.

“Have you seen Ryan?” Jeremy asked. Ray sat up, confusion on his face. 

“No. Wasn’t he with you?” Ray responded, waking up slowly as his mind worked, “I came back and you two were still in bed together. That was about midnight.”

“Thanks,” Jeremy muttered, carefully padding through the hallways, peeking into each room. No Ryan. Feeling slightly panicked, Jeremy returned Ryan’s room, finding his phone right next to Jeremy’s, still on the charger. Jeremy felt his heart sink. Had he done something wrong? Why did Ryan leave? Jeremy walked into the living room, Jack and Gavin moving about in the kitchen as he went to sit by Ray. He could still smell gunpowder and gasoline on his clothes, noticed something black around the wrists of his hoodie, and would’ve pursued suspicion if he wasn't so occupied with Ryan.

Ray glanced up to Jeremy, seeing him starting to panic. Quickly, Ray pulled out a deck of cards, still too tired for much else. Without giving an option, Jeremy started going along with Ray, getting his ass handed to him in a game of Rummy. Jeremy felt himself start to calm down, head cleared as they started their second game. Gavin strolled in with his laptop, settling on the couch as he watched the card game for a minute. Jeremy knew that in a few minutes, Gavin would have put two and two together. In five minutes, Gavin does not disappoint, “Where’s Ryan?”

“I haven’t seen him since I woke up,” Jeremy said, not looking up from his cards. “His phone is still next to mine next to our bed.”

“What?” Gavin froze as the question was asked. Jeremy continued to determinedly stare at his cards. Geoff leaned against the wall near the kitchen, having heard Jeremy. The question was from him, but Geoff didn’t realize until Ray glanced at him. 

“Ryan was still here when I came back around midnight. He seemed asleep, so I went and took a shower before laying on the couch. Around four-thirty, Jeremy asked me if I had seen Ryan,” Ray supplied, feeling useless. 

“There’s no way I can tell where he is or if he’s okay,” Gavin mumbled under his breath, hands moving swiftly on his keyboard, “I doubt he’d slip up with the internet…”

“So we get one mysterious member returned from whatever Ray was doing, just for the other mysterious team member to vanish,” Geoff said, taking a sip of his coffee. “Well, there’s nothing we can do. We can only wait and see what he does. Gavin will keep watch if Ryan does slip up, though. Other than that, it’s a waiting game.” The entire group was silent as the words sunk in.

~~~~~~~~~~~7~~~~~~~~~~~


	7. Chapter 7

Jeremy felt like the world was falling in on itself. He’d eventually retreated back to Ryan’s room, spreading out on the too-cold sheets and taking in the lilac detergent and gunpowder smell that clung to the fabric. He didn't know how much time was passing, had passed, until he woke up with a little jolt as someone pounded on the door. He pulled himself off the mattress, body feeling much heavier than it had in months. The room was dark, even the daylight that spilled around the curtains absent, and Jeremy realised that he must’ve fallen asleep.

He fiddled with the doorknob, not-quite-awake brain making it much more complex than it should’ve been. He yanked the door open on its slightly squeaky hinges, faced with a mildly disgruntled Michael. The redhead’s eyes flicked up and down his body, narrowing as he took in his rumpled sleep-clothes and dulled eyes.

“We’re going out,” Michael said firmly, leaving no room for argument as he gripped Jeremy’s upper arm and dragged him down to his room.

“What?” Jeremy asked, stumbling down the hall towards his door.

“Lads’ night, Jeremy, because Ryan’s been gone for all of ten hours and you’re already falling apart.”

Jeremy plopped down on the edge of his bed, watching as Michael sifted through his clothes to put together a decent outfit. The bundle of cloth landed in his lap moments later, Michael turning his back to give Jeremy some kind of privacy to change. It took him a moment, but Jeremy got his limbs moving, changing from sweatpants to jeans, one of his usual tight shirts replacing the too-big one that he lounged around in. When he turned around to look at himself in the mirror, Michael was stood with his leather jacket in one hand and his boots in the other.

“What are you planning?” Jeremy questioned casually, grabbing the boots and crouching to put them on and lace them up.

“I told you, Lads’ night,” Michael responded easily, a grin in his voice.

Jeremy shook his head, grabbing his jacket and heading down the hall. Michael shut the door behind them, and Gavin was already leaning against to the wall next to the front door.

“Lads’ night!” Ray cried from the couch, legs crossed as he tapped away at his phone.

Michael rolled his eyes, motioning for Gavin to open the door and heaving him up by his upper arm. Ray let out a surprised noise, followed by a mildly upset grumble as he was tugged out into the hallway. Jeremy chuckled as he trailed behind, watching as the two got into a slap fight while Gavin locked the door.

“LADS’ NIIIIGHT,” Gavin screeched, practically throwing himself down the stairs and into the front door.

“Fucking christ,” Michael and Ray complained in unison, turning their shared annoyance on Gavin as they rushed down the stairs after him.

Jeremy followed at a more subdued pace, still a little too tired to get completely involved in the antics that were ensuing. Gavin slipped out the front door just in time to avoid getting tackled by Michael, Ray having fallen back to watch. He walked next to Jeremy silently, and Jeremy couldn’t help but wonder if he knew what Jeremy knew.

A sudden curl of jealousy flared up in Jeremy’s stomach. Why was Ryan keeping secrets for him? There couldn’t be something going on between them, right? Sure, he and Ryan may not be totally official, but he was sure that they were official enough that Ryan wouldn’t run around on him like that. Right?

“Hey,” Ray mumbled, concern in his voice as he bumped their shoulders together. “You alright?”

Jeremy snapped out of his daze, shooting Ray a half hearted smile. “Yeah, just a lot on my mind.”

Ray hummed, fishing in his jeans pocket for the key to his car. He pulled out the keychain with a little flair, showing off the pot leaf that dangled from the metal ring.

“Into the stoner mobile, fellas,” he said proudly, ignoring the sideways glances from passersby as he unlocked his beat up PT Cruiser.

Gavin paused where he was about to unlock his own car, raising his eyebrows. “We’re taking that thing?”

Ray didn’t respond, already sliding in the driver’s seat. He patted the seat next to him, giving Jeremy a grin. Jeremy slid in next to him, the thick smell of weed wafting up from the upholstery as soon as he hit the seat. Michael and Gavin scrambled into the backseat, and the engine purred to life as soon as the doors slammed.

Ray turned on the radio as soon as he pulled onto the street, just loud enough that it provided a little background noise in the lull of their conversation. Jeremy sat back and watched as they maneuvered the city, more than a little confused as civilization thinned out.

“Are we lost, Ray?” Michael asked, looking up from where he’d had his face pressed against Gavin’s neck.

“No,” Ray responded easily, a little smirk on his face as he opened the center console.

He pulled out a blunt and two lighters, tossing one into the backseat. Jeremy watched as he lit it up, one hand on the wheel as he took a long drag. He turned to Jeremy with a grin that rarely surfaced, blowing out a cloud of smoke and punching the gas. The engine roared, and Ray passed the blunt to Jeremy as Gavin squawked in the backseat.

“What about the bar, Ray?” Gavin whined.

Ray rolled his eyes, passing the blunt to Jeremy and giving Gavin a look.

“Thought we'd do something healthier tonight. Okay, Gavin?” Ray asked, raising the pitch of his voice in a mocking manner when he said the Brit’s name.

Jeremy took a long hit, watching the end burn a bright orange as it burned down his throat. He passed it to the back seat, struggling not to cough. He blew it out all at once, body convulsing as he coughed violently. His lungs felt like they were on fire, and he relished the burn. It replaced the empty ache of his heart, and he could already feel the lightheadedness of a good high setting in, could taste sweet blueberry under the heavy herbal taste and the rough taste of the paper. When he caught his breath, the blunt was already being held out to him again.

Ray let out a whoop, turning up whatever 80s rock song was on the radio as they raced down the empty backwoods streets. Smoke slowly filled the car, as well as laughter and music and conversation. Jeremy felt like he was in a movie, but that could’ve just been the pot. All he knew was that Ryan wasn’t on his mind too much after that.


	8. Chapter 8

Ryan sat on the third floor of an old, abandoned hotel. The time was irrelevant to him as he sat in silence, thoughts running wild. Why had he ran, again? Ryan wasn’t sure if it was trying to avoid telling Jeremy the truth, or to avoid seeing Jeremy become disappointed in him for lying. Hell, it was probably both. No. No, it was definitely both. But, was it that he was disappointed in himself for lying to Jeremy? If so, why is it only Jeremy that Ryan feels so guilty about lying to? With a frustrated sigh, Ryan stands up, pacing. Was he wrong in his earlier assumption that he and Jeremy only shared a friends with benefits relationship? Part of him desperately wanted to say yes, Ryan was wrong with that assumption. Another part of him refused to believe it, how could Jeremy love Ryan with everything Ryan is and was? The third and final part of him, however, just wanted to keep running. To bury these feelings deeper. 

Dusty drywall crunches under Ryan’s feet as he moves through the abandoned building. It was quiet outside, no traffic. The silence was starting to annoy him. He had to decide what he was doing. Would he prefer going back to the crew and telling Jeremy or to just keep running and never look back? How would Jeremy even react if Ryan showed up at the apartment again? Would Jeremy greet him with happiness or anger? Ryan slowed in his movements, coming to a stop as a thought caught him. Maybe if I can show him that he deserves better he’ll let go. That would be the best for him and his health. But, even just that passing thought sends pain through Ryan’s chest. For as long as he’s known Jeremy, Ryan has always hated to see Jeremy in pain. Would Ryan be able to live with himself if he caused Jeremy pain? No. He couldn’t. Anger begins bubbling in his chest: Why couldn’t he figure out these fucking emotions?

Ryan realizes that he has to consider everyone as well. Geoff, Jack, Gavin, Michael, Ray. How would they react? Would any of them miss him for long? Gavin wouldn’t be able to track him down, Ryan had made sure of that and he had left his phone behind. Jack and Michael would probably spend weeks going to show Ryan something they found hilarious. Geoff would become quieter, asking himself if this was his fault, if he should have paid better attention to his crew. Ray, Ryan pauses, leaning his head against one of the sturdier walls. Would Ray think that this has something to do with how Ryan knows the values of hiding things from the past? Would Ray think that he had dragged unwanted memories up for Ryan, causing him to leave? I hope not. None of them are to blame… But they’re going to blame themselves anyways. Ryan turned around quickly, looking at the setting sun through a window. Shutting his eyes tightly, he turned away from it.

“I need to find something to do,” Ryan muttered to himself, hurrying to find the stairs. He hurried down to the ground floor, walking out the front door and down the street. There were maybe three people in total that Ryan could see, all facing the other direction. He moves quicker, desperate to be alone and busy. What if Jeremy comes out alone looking for me? Coming and apologizing for something he thinks he’s done wrong? What if Jeremy gets hurt looking for me? Ryan shook his head, nearly sprinting down the streets as if he could run from his thoughts. He turned a corner, trying desperately to make this run much longer than it should have been. 

Ten minutes later, Ryan was leant against the side of a gas station. His eyes closed as he tried to breathe normally once again. Grinding his teeth, Ryan opened his eyes, looking for a good car to hotwire. As he walked out towards the parked cars, something slammed into the back of his head. Hard. He fell to the ground, fighting to stay conscious until another harsh hit knocked him unconscious.

~~~~~

Ryan’s head was spinning when he finally came to. He could tell that he was tied to a metal chair, the chains locked far away from his hands. Opening his eyes, Ryan groaned, tilting his head back to wake up just a bit quicker. Glancing around, Ryan could tell that he was just around the gas station in an old warehouse. Metal barrels lay on their sides across the floor, papers covered in dust covering an old desk in the corner, files piled up on either side. From what he could see, Ryan could find absolutely no weapons, nothing that he could reach and make into a weapon, or any signs that someone even brought him here. Scowling, Ryan started struggling against the chains, trying fruitlessly to loosen them. A man’s chuckle cut Ryan’s struggle short. Ryan tensed as the man walked around him so that Ryan could see the man that had him tied to a chair. The man appeared absolutely average, besides the fact that he had a burn scar running down the entire left side of his face.

“Now, I wouldn’t be fighting so hard if I were you,” the man smiled widely at Ryan. This man was enjoying this, and Ryan had a feeling that the man hadn’t even started yet. 

“Why would that be?” Ryan countered, lifting his chin to glare the man in the eyes. 

“You see, Vagabond,” the man smiled as Ryan froze. “Oh yes, I know exactly who you are. But, anyway, my employer thinks that you will be our ticket to getting the entire AH crew under our control to sell to the highest bidder.”

“And how do you figure that? They wouldn’t fall for it,” Ryan countered, relaxing slightly. He couldn’t think of anything that could make Geoff allow the crew to slip up. The man smiled, still, motioning someone to come over to him. A young woman walked over, handing the man a laptop before turning to leave, not sparing Ryan a glance.

“Well, I think I have some power to persuade you,” the man said, lips twisting sickenly now.

“Idiot,” Ryan snorted a laugh, “You don’t have anything over me.”

“Oh, I don’t?” The man turns the laptop so Ryan can clearly see a live surveillance feed pulled up, showing Jeremy walking out of the crew’s apartment. Ryan pales as the man taps a key, the footage changing to follow Jeremy as he leaves the building. “You see, it would just save a lot of energy from my crew and a lot of pain from yours, for now at least. I can have a group go in right now to bag and tag every single AH member, but that would just be messy, wouldn’t it? But, if they come here willingly, it will save me stress.”

“Don’t you fucking dare hurt any of them,” Ryan growled, pulling on his chains harder now, desperate to get rid of them and tear this man apart. The man laughed, closing the laptop as he moved to leave the room. 

“I’ll give you an hour to think it over, Vagabond. Just remember that I can easily just kill them for pay, too.” The man shut the door behind him, leaving Ryan alone in the room. Ryan hung his head, panicking. He didn’t know who the fuck this guy was, but he did know that he had to keep the crew safe. On a piece of paperwork about five feet from Ryan, he could see a broken bobby pin that he hadn’t noticed before. 

Ryan turned around in the chair, making sure he truly was alone. His legs were free enough for him to be able to move over to the bobby pin, thankfully. Satisfied that he was alone, Ryan started to move himself over to the sheet of paper. Sitting down next to it, Ryan tried to see how his hands were chained, if he had enough leeway to move at all. Ryan tugged at the chain, trying to keep himself from frantically moving so he can actually do this right. Jeremy and the crew at least deserved that. Ryan heard something snap before the chains fall into a looser positioning. Now with the ability to use his hands, Ryan started trying to grab the broken bobby pin. He moves himself off of the chair to try and make it easier for himself, but it was still a challenge to get the hair pin into his grasp. After about five minutes, Ryan’s successful in grabbing it before moving to start on the lock. The lock was much harder than he had originally thought, actually resorting to using the plastic piece of his shoelace to help unlock it. Another few minutes of a struggle and Ryan can tell that the lock is taken care of before quickly moving to shove the chains off of his wrists.

Properly standing now, Ryan moved around the desk, searching through the drawers. He froze when he heard voices just outside the door. Eventually, the voices faded and he continued digging for anything he could use to help. Through files and files, Ryan searched the drawers of the desk for something, anything, that he can use to escape. Finally, Ryan caught sight of an old, rusted pipe leaning against the side of the warehouse. Shrugging, he snagged it before moving towards the door. Waiting for a minute, Ryan listened to the single guard just outside the door. Knowing this was his only way out, Ryan opens the door quickly, striking the guard across the face with the metal pipe and kneeing him in the gut. The man stumbled back, still conscious as he lurched forwards to make a grab at Ryan. He didn’t think, he let his body move on its own, and Ryan used enough force to stab the pipe through the guard, kicking the body away as he lay gasping for air. Ryan’s foot came down hard on the man’s face before he started running to find a way out of the warehouse. Hiding among the shadows, he avoided a pair of guards walking the halls before continuing on his way. 

Ryan peered around a corner, watching three men coming in a door leading outside. The three are talking with each other, completely at ease, so they don’t see him as he strikes the closest one, drawing blood from ragged wounds through his shirt. A second later, the pipe is thrown at another man’s face before any shouts could escape. The Vagabond punched the last one before grabbing the pipe again, striking his second victim as he tried to stand again before flipping the pipe and ramming it into the man behind him. Kicking the body off, the Vagabond hit the first victim in the neck as he tried to stand, tearing flesh from its place and splattering blood onto the nearby wall. The second victim, on his hands and knees, trying to flee, got the pipe snapped across his spine before the Vagabond kicks the man in the side, digging his foot into the flesh as his victim cried out in pain. With a satisfied smirk on his face, the Vagabond stood fully now, the threat taken care of. Footsteps rapidly approached from the hallway, causing Ryan to snap out of his haze. Paling, Ryan stepped back from the three bloody bodies at his feet. His stomach turned at the sight, his body tensing as he witnessed what he’s done. This wasn’t Ryan’s doing, he had allowed himself to become the former Vagabond. Staring at the Vagabond’s victims, Ryan glanced at the approaching enemies before bolting. He vanished from the warehouse, leaving the men confused and fearful in the Vagabond’s wake.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> early update for friday the thirteeeeeeeenth!! enjoy, folks! <3

Jeremy hated the city now. Every corner brought Ryan to his mind, drunk nights and early mornings and everything in between rushing to his mind every time he turned his head. He hated it less than the apartment, though, where Ryan’s ghost lingered in every inch. The table where he’d eat breakfast, the bathroom where he’d belt out show tunes in the shower for the entire crew to hear and give Jeremy messy toothpaste kisses just to hear him complain, the hall where he’d lied to Gavin, the bed where he’d touch and  _ touch _ until it drove Jeremy crazy. It made his heart twist, now, and he felt tears spring to his eyes as memories of warm nights flooded his mind, body tingling at the recollection of warm blankets and a warmer body pressed against his own.

 

His back met the brick of an alley, and he squeezed his eyes shut to hold back tears. He hated to have such a cliche mentality, but he couldn’t help but feel that it was his fault that Ryan had left so suddenly. Despite the many times Michael had shaken him after he’d blamed himself, he couldn’t shake off the heavy guilt that had dug its claws in and started to fester. He couldn’t escape the fact that that  _ festering _ was a dawning realization, one that he’d made long ago and had swept under the carpet. Jeremy was in love with Ryan. Big, bad, ‘the only connections I have are business connections’ Haywood. Admitting it to himself here, in this grimey alley, he felt his heart swell until he felt like he was suffocating.

 

He opened his eyes to stare at the wall opposite him, taking a slow breath in an attempt to get rid of the feeling and calm himself down before he stepped back out onto the street. A movement in his periphery caught his attention, and his hand flew to the pistol tucked in his waistband. He narrowed his eyes at the slumped form, just barely visible in the shadowed depths of the alley, and took a careful step forward. His mind still raced with panic and shock at his emotional realization, his usually steady hands trembling slightly as he tried to make out details.

 

It looked like a man, broad shoulders visible beneath tattered rags that Jeremy supposed passed as clothes. In fact, they looked quite a bit like Ryan’s clothes. He shook the thought away, brows furrowing as he contemplated turning on his heel and leaving the man to whatever he’d been doing before Jeremy noticed him. A quiet, pained groan stopped him, and he instead took a few reckless steps closer.

 

“Sir?” Jeremy asked cautiously, ready to bolt if the man got violent.

 

Familiar blue eyes snapped up to look at him, filled with an unfamiliar horror and insanity that locked Jeremy in place.

 

“Ryan,” he breathed after an eternity of silence, still unable to move a single muscle.

 

Ryan made an almost inhuman croaking noise, pure panic contorting his features. He jerked himself up and away with quick, halting movements, and Jeremy lurched backward on instinct. He could see hurt flash across the other man’s face, and reached out a hand slowly. He couldn’t help but feel like he was reaching out toward a cowering dog, but cleared away the thought promptly.

 

“Ryan,” Jeremy said again, breathier this time, trying to coax the man toward him.

 

He could see dark splotches staining his clothes, crimson drying brown smeared against his pale skin beneath, and paused.

 

“Jeremy,” Ryan forced out, voice gravelly and rough, “You need to get away from me.”

 

Jeremy tilted his head, feeling confusion write itself across his face. “Excuse me?”

 

“Get  _ away _ ,” Ryan growled, forcing himself to stumble back a couple steps.

 

Jeremy’s chest clenched, and he felt utterly helpless as he watched shadow engulf Ryan’s form.

 

“Ryan, please,” Jeremy pleaded desperately, unable to think of anything else to say to get the other man closer.

 

Ryan’s chest was heaving with laboured breaths but he wasn’t backing away any longer, so Jeremy took the chance to take a couple slow steps forward. Gravel and broken glass crunched under his boots, the sound of traffic on the street keeping Jeremy grounded as he moved ever closer to Ryan’s trembling form. He didn’t dare touch him, instead giving him a soft, shaky smile in an attempt to reassure. Whether he was trying to reassure himself or Ryan, he didn’t quite know. He held his hand out, palm up, in the hope that Ryan would give him some kind of contact. He had to stop himself from flinching away when Ryan’s dirty fingertips brushed his tentatively, and he could see Ryan’s mind fighting itself in his icy eyes.

 

“I’m trying to protect you, Jeremy,” Ryan whispered, barely audible above the white noise of the city behind them.

 

Despite this, he tangled their fingers together anyways. Jeremy ached to pull him close, but kept his distance. He let Ryan come to him on his own.

 

“What are you protecting me from, Ryan?” Jeremy questioned, voice equally as hushed, as though they were sharing secrets. They were, but of course he couldn’t know that yet.

 

Ryan didn’t respond for a while, but his hand twitched in Jeremy’s, as though he wanted to pull away but couldn’t bring himself to, and Jeremy searched those usually warm blue eyes for some kind of logic and guidance in this situation.

 

“You know what I was, Jeremy, why my head is so valuable,” Ryan finally said, shattering the stifling veil of silence.

 

“Ryan,” Jeremy started, ready to reassure Ryan as he had on particularly difficult nights before.

 

“Jeremy,” Ryan interrupted, something sharp and so very  _ un-Ryan _ sliding off his tongue that Jeremy tugged his hand away involuntarily.

 

Hurt flashed in Ryan’s eyes, and Jeremy knew that whatever tenuous trust he’d built in those short moments hand fallen to the ground and shattered as soon as he broke contact. He tried desperately to think of what to do, having never done well in these situations, but especially when all he wanted to do was take Ryan home and hold him close, despite knowing that that would only make his current state exponentially worse if it wasn’t alleviated first. He pressed his lips together, knowing what he’d have to do. 

 

He took Ryan’s hand in his, thumb rubbing across his broad palm in gentle sweeping motions. He stepped close, careful to leave a good few inches of space between them to keep from making Ryan feel crowded. Ryan’s eyes were distrustful as he watched Jeremy, and something lurked behind the storm of emotions in Ryan’s eyes, something cold and so very Not Ryan that it sent a chill down Jeremy’s spine.

 

“Ryan,” Jeremy whispered into the space between them, the pad of his thumb rubbing between Ryan’s fingers in a way he knew soothed the older man. “Do you trust me?”

 

Ryan was silent, and Jeremy felt a little tendril of hurt wriggle into his chest as he realized that Ryan wasn’t answering because he didn’t  _ know _ . He lifted Ryan’s dirty palm to his lips, pressing a kiss to where his fate and head lines intersected. He watched Ryan’s eyes soften just slightly, and breathed an inaudible ‘I love you’ against the skin. He watched Ryan’s eyebrows furrow, waited a moment for the cogs of his mind to start turning as he tried to figure out what Jeremy had just said. In a split second, Jeremy had pulled the pistol from the waistband of his jeans, whipping the butt of it against Ryan’s temple. The man fell to the ground like a bag of bricks, and Jeremy followed him down to make sure he wasn’t any more hurt than he intended. He held Ryan’s form against his chest, smoothing his hand over his back and chest to check for any serious injuries.

 

“I’m sorry,” Jeremy mumbled, pressing a tender kiss to Ryan’s hairline as he pulled his phone out of his pocket.

 

He clumsily typed in his password, swiping until he pulled up Gavin’s contact and dialed his number. It rang, and rang, and rang, until finally Gavin picked up.

 

“Yeah?” the Brit said breathlessly, voice tiny over the phone.

 

“I found Ryan,” Jeremy stated bluntly.

 

“What?” Michael yelled, causing Jeremy to jerk the phone away quickly.

 

“Pick me up,” he said simply, hitting the end call button and dropping his phone on the gravel to hold Ryan close instead.

  
He raked his fingers through the tangled blonde hair, wincing sympathetically every time they caught on a knot. He let out a quiet sigh, turning his head to get a somewhat good view of the street as afternoon melted into evening above them.


	10. Chapter 10

Jeremy walked into the crew’s apartment with Michael and Gavin, carrying Ryan. Carefully, he moves through the apartment to Ryan’s room, placing the unconscious man on his bed. Geoff had joined Michael and Gavin in following Jeremy, Jack going to wake up Ray in case he was needed. Jeremy sighed, sitting on the edge of the bed, looking at the three men. “Are you just going to keep following me like creeps or are you going to say something useful?”

“Where did you find him?” Jack asked, walking into the room and stands next to Geoff. Geoff stood silently, eyes intently looking over Ryan. 

“An alley,” Jeremy said, voice hollow as if he was lost in thought, “He told me to leave him. Said he was trying to protect me.”

“Looks like he got into a tussle, too,” Geoff remarked, shifting slightly. “Let’s just let him wake up on his own. I think I’ll make us some dinner.”

No one spoke as Geoff left the room, Jack walking behind him, worried. None of the others questioned the men. Jeremy moved to get a chair, dragging it to the side of Ryan’s bed, falling back into it. Gavin and Michael left him to his thoughts, knowing that was what Jeremy would prefer. Geoff brought Jeremy a plate of food a while later, patting the shorter man on the shoulder before leaving the room again. Jeremy barely touched the food, too anxious about what Ryan had said to eat. Putting the plate on the floor beside his chair, Jeremy allowed himself to get caught in his racing thoughts.

What was Ryan talking about? How does his past have anything to do with how Jeremy found Ryan? Why was Ryan so fearful of being near Jeremy? Was it Ryan himself that he claimed he was trying to protect Jeremy from or someone else? Something else? Jeremy leaned his head back, sighing heavily through his nose. All of these questions, and Jeremy had no answers. He continued to entertain the questions for some time, falling asleep in the chair with them.

~~~~~

Ryan groaned, his entire body aching. He swore that he head was being beaten by a baseball bat and that he had been run over by a tractor trailer. Shifting slightly, Ryan frowned. He didn’t remember being anywhere near a bed when he went unconscious. In fact, the last thing Ryan remembered was Jeremy, saying that he loved him. Ryan opened his eyes quickly, a panic filling his chest. No, no, no I don’t want to hurt anyone. His thoughts worsen his headache, the light not helping either. Ryan saw Jeremy fast asleep in a chair next to his bed. The door opened without warning, causing Ryan to tense, sitting up, alarmed. Ray walked into the room, freezing as his eyes met Ryan’s. “Easy there, Ryan. We’re not gonna hurt you.”

Ryan clenched his teeth together, knowing that they wouldn’t attack him, but Ryan didn’t know if he could promise the same. Not being able to think of anything easier to say, Ryan painfully croaked, “I don’t know if I can return that.”

“Then don’t lie, Ryan. Thanks for telling me, though,” Ray said, slightly understanding. He turned to leave the room again, “Just lay back down, Geoff wanted to know when you woke up.”

There isn’t a chance for Ryan to respond before Ray was gone, door shut. Ryan took deep breaths, trying to keep his anxiety at bay. He remembered the warehouse, being tied up and threatened… Fuck! Ryan began to panic, trying to get his tired body to move. Need to warn them. They have targets fucking painted on them.

“Woah, woah, Ryan.” Ryan froze, unaware that Jeremy had woken up during his struggle to get up. Fear rose in his chest as Jeremy put a hand on his shoulder. “Lay back down. You’ll hurt yourself more if you go running.”

“But--” Ryan gets cut off by Geoff bursting through the door.

“RYAN WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU GO? WHERE WERE YOU, YOU LITTLE SHIT? WHY THE HELL DO YOU JUST DISAPPEAR LIKE THAT?” Geoff was furious, but he froze as he saw Ryan flinch at his shouting. He watched for a minute as Ryan tried to move away from both of them, terrified. Geoff recognized his mistake, hating himself wholly for not thinking, “Oh my god. Oh my god, I fucked up. I’m sorry Ryan, I-- I fucked up.”

“You’re all targets. That’s where I was. They’ve been watching you through security cameras,” Ryan said, sharp and clipped. Geoff looked down in shame, recognizing that he deserved this, knowing that he may have just pushed Ryan to the edge once again. “They tried to get me to call you. Get you to go to the warehouse peacefully for an easy roundup. They have a buyer willing to pay a nice amount, but only for all of us.”

“What?” Geoff questioned before freezing once again. Jack. Jack had just gone out for groceries. “SHIT! Jeremy, keep Ryan from doing anything stupid. RAY, GET YOUR ASS READY!”

Jeremy remained silent, raising an eyebrow tiredly as Geoff raced from the roof. He felt Ryan’s tense shoulder shift under his hand, causing him to draw it back carefully. Reclaiming his seat, Jeremy met Ryan’s eyes that still didn’t look right. A tense moment of silence passed, before Jeremy broke it, “I’m sorry, Ryan.” 

Ryan’s stare gave nothing away, and Jeremy watched as Ryan’s fear became clouded in his eyes. Jeremy doesn’t back down from the stare, although he desperately wished to, the predatory look about Ryan giving Jeremy an uneasy feeling. He knew that backing down would be much, much, smarter, but Jeremy wasn’t backing down. Ryan was suffering from something horribly, and there isn’t a chance that he won’t try and help the man. Finally, Ryan spoke, voice cold, “Please, just leave me alone. I can’t trust myself.”

Jeremy held Ryan’s stare a moment longer, before he sighed. Without another word, Ryan watched as Jeremy stood, giving him a hesitant smile, before he walked out of the room. As the door closed, Ryan sighed, falling back onto the bed and shut his eyes. He regretted being harsh with Jeremy, but it was true. Ryan didn’t know if he trusted himself in this moment. Better safe than sorry


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> more weed?? what can i say, i relate to stoner ray

Jeremy took in a deep breath, tipping his head back to withhold tears that sprang to his eyes. Jack had gotten home safe, and Jeremy supposed they wouldn’t strike so soon after Ryan escaping. They were on high alert, and trying to attack the most powerful crew in the city on a regular day was far too dangerous for most.

 

His chest ached with every inhale, and every exhale left him feeling emptier than before, like he was breathing out everything that had built up inside of him all this time. He hadn’t been in the main crew as long as everyone else, only two years to their ten together, and sometimes he wished he could go back to being on the B Team. He missed Trevor, missed Matt and Stefie, and even though they didn’t live too far they were all so busy that Jeremy hadn’t seen them in months, hadn’t had leisure time with them in even longer.

 

He shook his head, pushing off the rough cement of the roof to gain his footing. He stepped toward the edge, toes knocking against the little bit of guard there as he stared out at the twinkling lights of the city. He looked up at the stars, a little disappointed at the lack of them there. He’d grown up in Boston, so it wasn’t as though sparse stars over the city was an unfamiliar sight, but he’d never forget how many he saw when he ran away. Millions upon millions as he sped down dirt roads and through corn fields on his way to the opposite coast on a motorbike he’d fixed up himself. He’d been tempted to stop in these places, and often did for hours at a time to simply stare and admire. His attention was diverted by the shuffle of sneakers behind him, and he turned to find Ray standing awkwardly a couple feet away.

 

“Ray,” Jeremy acknowledged, another little twinge of jealousy wriggling in his chest.

 

He stepped away from the ledge, locking his eyes to the ground.

 

“Hey, I know, uh, I know this is hard,” Ray said choppily, although he wasn’t sure of the words tumbling out of his mouth.

 

Jeremy’s brows furrowed, and he gave Ray a slightly amused smile. He knew emotions weren’t Ray’s forte, and that trying to comfort him was a large gesture. Still, he couldn’t shake the uneasy feeling he got about the secrets between Ray and Ryan. They’d been close before he joined, until, well, until whatever had happened with Ray. Jeremy had never gotten the whole story, had been too afraid to ask since even bringing up the fact that Ray had disappeared long enough to warrant bringing another person into the main crew caused everyone to grow silent and distant. Now, after two years of working alongside them, he was afraid to ask for a different reason. He was afraid that Ray and Ryan had been together, was afraid that he was nothing but an obstacle between them. 

 

“Jeremy?” Ray asked quietly, waving a hand in front of his eyes. “You alright?”

 

Jeremy sucked in a surprised breath, having been wholly absorbed by his thoughts. He locked eyes with Ray, palms rubbing against the rough denim of his jeans, and tossed his fear aside.

 

“What happened to you that made them recruit me?” he questioned bluntly.

 

Ray looked taken aback by the question, dark eyes going wide as he processed it. Jeremy could practically see the cogs turning in his head. After a long moment, in which Ray let out a couple half-formed stutters, the older man gave Jeremy a resigned half-smile. He pulled a joint and a lighter out of his hoodie pocket, stepping back into the shadows to pull out a couple of fold-up camping chairs from under some tarp.

 

“Knew I’d need something like this,” Ray mumbled, snapping the chairs open and plopping down into one.

 

Jeremy plopped down across from him, watching as Ray lit the joint and took a long puff. He had a small suspicion that it was more to give himself time to come up with a good start than for the sake of taking a hit.

 

“Okay,” Ray sighed, smoke billowing up in a stark white cloud against the dark night sky.

 

“Okay,” Jeremy replied, taking the proffered joint and taking a much smaller hit than Ray had.

 

“Well, I guess the short story is,” Ray paused, scuffing his toe against the roof, “my mother died, and there was a crew member who was...less than helpful, with my coping.”

 

Jeremy sat in silence for a moment, taking this information in. “And, the long story?”

 

Ray gave him a sad smile. “Do I have to?”

 

Jeremy leaned back in his chair, watching Ray take another puff and blow out a ring. He wanted to know, yes, but he certainly wasn’t going to push.

 

“She died a year before you joined,” Ray started quietly. “She was everything to me, she’d always been there no matter what. She was the only one who thought I’d make anything of myself for the longest time.”

 

“And?” Jeremy prodded, not wanting the silence to last too long lest Ray not want to talk any longer.

 

“She believed in me, and I became a murderer. I never told her though. She thought I worked on the  _ internet _ , something with video games. She didn’t need any more information than that, she wouldn’t’ve understood.”

 

Ray paused for another long hit.

 

“She died in my childhood home. Heart attack. They found her in my old room, holding the stuffed rabbit I loved as a kid.”

 

Jeremy could hear the withheld tears in Ray’s wobbling voice, could feel the stinging in the back of his own throat as he prevented his own from spilling over. For awhile he was afraid Ray would get up and leave, the silence stretching what seemed like an eternity, but Ray made no move to leave. When he spoke again, his voice was rough and quiet.

 

“Ryan found out first, a couple weeks later, but you know how he is with emotions. I trusted him, a lot, with almost everything I possibly could, and now I understand what I did wrong, but I didn’t then. I just wanted comfort, but Ryan’s not the person that you go to crying. Or, at least, he wasn’t.”

 

Ray gave him a little grin, barely visible in the pale moonlight.

 

“You changed him a lot, Jeremy. Anyway, there was...some stuff said that shouldn’t have been said, and I quit. I left that night with my rifle and my wallet. No tech, no clothes, just right off the grid. No one else knew why.”

 

“He, um,” Jeremy started awkwardly, “That day you left, while everyone else was out. Why’d he say he’d tell the others you were at your mother’s?”

 

Ray was quiet for a long moment. “You weren’t asleep.”

 

Jeremy responded with silence, not knowing what to say to that anyways.

 

“I visit her grave, when I can. I tell her about my life, my real life. I can only hope she’s not gonna kill me for lying when I see her in the afterlife. I’m sure a can of ghost whoopass hurts just as much as regular whoopass.”

 

Jeremy chuckled a little at that. Another question sprang to the forefront of his mind, this one a little harder to ask.

 

“Was there...something else between you and Ryan?”

 

Ray leaned back slowly, joint between his lips and eyes wide. He doubled over a moment later, raucous laughter pouring out of him as he handed the joint to Jeremy frantically. Jeremy took a long hit, drowning his embarrassment in the light headed feeling of the high. Ray caught his breath eventually, wiping tears from his eyes and clutching his stomach.

 

“I’m sorry,” Ray gasped, a grin Jeremy had never seen plastered on his face as he took the joint back. “No, we were never together. Me and Ryan just wouldn’t work, and I’m asexual and aromantic.”

 

Jeremy nodded slowly, guilt replacing any bit of suspicion that he’d had. Of course Ray and Ryan weren’t together. Ryan may not be very good at emotions, but Ray certainly knew how to make someone aware of his displeasure, and Jeremy was sure he would’ve been made aware the moment he stumbled out of Ryan’s room with a neck full of hickies and a slight limp.

 

There was a long silence in which Ray eventually shifted into some pretzel-like position in his chair and the joint burnt down until every hit burned the tips of Jeremy’s fingers and the stars above seemed much prettier than before. They didn’t speak, and they didn’t need to. There was an unspoken peace that the two had come to, a silent bond formed under the stars, and even though Jeremy’s thoughts were still plagued with Ryan, he could let his mind slip away from his body for a little while.


	12. Chapter 12

Gavin sat in the room he shared with Michael, idly tapping away at his computer in the mid morning hours. It wasn’t as if he felt something was off, per say, it was just that Gavin felt he had to check the cameras. That and he was bored out of his mind. He checked over the cameras once, not finding anything wrong; however, he checked them again on a gut feeling. On his second look, Gavin saw that one of the cameras just outside their apartment was acting up. Gavin stopped for a moment, debating on what to do. Everyone was still tense from getting Ryan back, even if he isn’t himself. As of right now, Gavin knew that Geoff was with Jack and Michael going over some information. It was a safe bet that Jeremy and Ray were off relaxing as well, maybe together maybe not. Gavin knew that the two were on the roof just last night, so he definitely didn’t want to bother them. He sighed, standing and moving to pull on some shoes. It’s just a quick check of the camera, Gavin reminded himself. He slipped out of the apartment without anyone taking notice, door locked behind him.

~~~~~

Jeremy heard Michael well before he saw him. It was clear that Michael was frustrated, possibly even bordering fearful, frantically looking around. Jeremy stood up, walking over to the man, “What’s up?”

“Have you seen Gavin?” Jeremy was caught off guard by the forceful question.

“What? No. I haven’t seen him since yesterday. I thought he was spending time with you?” Jeremy replied, “I’m pretty sure I heard him in your room tapping away at his computer this morning.”

“He’s not there! I was talking with Geoff and Jack about the little information we have about that bastard that took Ryan,” Michael said, sinking into the couch as his face fell, hands shaking up to his face. “No… No, where could he be?”

“Maybe--” Jeremy was cut off by Michael losing his last bit of self control.

“DAMMIT GAVIN! WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?” Michael rushed around the apartment, leaving Jeremy stunned at the sudden switch in his friend’s behaviour. Then, a thought hit him like a tractor trailer. Ryan had mentioned that the entire crew was wanted as a whole. 

“Michael! Calm down! What the fuck is going on?” Geoff shouted, quickly placing his hands on the man’s shoulders.

“Gavin--He’s--” Geoff squeezed Michael’s shoulders before pulling him into a hug to calm the man down. “He’s gone.”

Jeremy watched as Geoff froze, body tensing up completely in seconds. Geoff’s entire presence changed from trying to comfort Michael into a completely protective dad at the mention of his son’s disappearance. Jack hung back near the hallway with Ray, carefully watching the scene as well. Jeremy had never--never-- seen Geoff change moods so quickly. Then again, Jeremy had never been through Gavin getting taken. Barely a minute after Michael’s explanation, Geoff took charge. “Alright fuckers. This is what’s gonna happen. Jeremy, I need you to go through Gavin’s computer, see if you can find anything to help us. Ray and Michael, I need you two to make sure everything is ready at a moment's notice to go in guns blazing. Jack, I need you to help me figure out where to find these bastards.”

“If they haven’t moved, they’ll be in a warehouse on the outskirts of the city.” Everyone nearly jumped at the sudden voice, snapping their attention to Ryan. Jeremy felt his stomach twist, eyes staying on Ryan. The man didn’t seem right to him, Jeremy was convinced that Ryan was fighting something within himself even if he didn’t understand it. Ryan’s eyes continue to be emotionless wastelands as he continued, “But, seeing as they want the entire crew, it would probably cause more harm than good to try and get Gavin.”

“YOU--!” Michael lunged for Ryan, who merely raised an eyebrow, Geoff and Jeremy holding the man in place. Jeremy suddenly didn’t blame Michael for his anger, seeing as Ryan continued to not show a care; however his body tensed as something Jeremy didn’t recognize passed through his face. Without another word, Ryan vanished back down the hallway, probably heading towards the roof. The tension in the room was still suffocating after he left. Michael whipped out of his hold, facing Geoff, “We need to start looking for him! If they want the rest of the crew, wouldn’t they try to get Gavin to comply? Just like they tried to make Ryan?”

“We will. Jeremy, get on that computer. Ray and Michael, go get the shit ready. Jack, c’mon.” Geoff’s orders left no room for argument, not that anyone would dare anyways. Jeremy disappeared to Gavin and Michael’s room to start going through the computer. Everyone set to work right away, working with a festering anger.

~~~~~

That night gave little sleep to the Fake AH crew. Jeremy didn’t leave the computer until early the next morning. Michael and Ray had cleaned every firearm they could possibly need and checked every explosive they had on hand. They even lent some help to Jeremy when he needed it. Jack and Geoff had Ryan join them for a few hours in the middle of the night, the man distracted and unfocused. It wasn’t long until Ryan vanished to the roof again, leaving the others to work. By morning, everyone was exhausted and cranky. Jeremy shuffled his way to the living room, finding Jack and Geoff falling asleep against each other in the early hours. 

“It was a setup.” Jeremy regretted having to wake the two men up, but this was necessary if they would be going anytime soon. “They fucked with one of the cameras in the hall and Gavin went out to check it. I’ve been trying to see if I can get the video back to see who exactly did it, but no luck.”

“Shit,” Geoff mumbled, pressing the heels of his hands to his eyes. “Alright. We need to have a meeting. We’ve got all the information we can possibly have, we just need a plan now.” Geoff yawned before shaking himself, standing and yelling, “CREW MEETING IN FIVE!”

Slowly, as Geoff and Jack woke up from their cat nap, the others filed into the living room. Ray sat in his chair, Jeremy perched on the couch with Michael. Ryan stood near the doorway, uneasy. Jeremy watched Ryan carefully, unsure what was going through the other man’s mind. Through the night, Jeremy had heard Ryan hesitantly offer to help, almost as if he wasn’t sure what to do. Or maybe, Jeremy considered, the man’s hesitancy was from whatever had happened to him. Ryan made a few careless remarks, but he also made encouraging and caring responses. Everything about his behaviour confused Jeremy and, suddenly, he wished for more time to try and figure out what was wrong. 

“Alright, listen up. We know the location thanks to Ryan here, and we know that they’re trying to get all of us. Now, we need to approach this carefully. We don’t know how many people are in the warehouse, so it probably isn’t smart to just go in guns blazing. Any ideas?” Geoff asked, leaning back on the couch, sipping his coffee. 

“They won’t view the Golden Boy himself as a threat, but they know how much he means to the crew,” Ryan started, conflicted eyes staring at Geoff, “It’s safe to assume that there’s going to be more people on the lookout for external threats. But, it will be impossible to slip in. It’s going to be a dangerous fight either way.” Ryan shifted against the wall, body tensing as Jeremy watched those conflicted blue eyes go cold. “It’s also safe to guess that the Golden Boy was already handed over to avoid another escape. This setup is probably a trap for the rest of the crew.”

“What? So you want us to just give up? Just like that?” Michael was furious, leaning forward as he glared at Ryan. 

“Yes.” There wasn’t any emotion to the answer, but it held a firmness that let everyone know it was final. The tension in the room grew, but the one who snapped surprised everyone.

“Listen here, Ryan. I don’t give a fuck how terrified you still are. Gavin is part of this family and we will get him back. Now, get your head out of your ass and use your brain. Remember all the promises you made to Gavin, promises to protect him. Imagine what hell he could be going through now, while you’re still heartless,” Jack snapped, standing and pushing Ryan against the wall, gritting out his message through his teeth. Ryan’s tension seemed to dissipate as he listened to the furious Jack. Even now, he still had the mind to realize that if Jack, mother hen of the Fake AH crew, snapped, you better get your shit together. “Now, if you could kindly fucking cooperate with us and stop being an apathetic asshole, that would be greatly appreciated. If not, I’ll beat your ass myself.”

No one moved as Jack shoved Ryan against the wall before walking away. No one even knew how to respond. Geoff started again after a moment, continuing on discussing his plan to get Gavin back.


	13. Chapter 13

They started out later that night, decked out in dark gear to blend into the shadows. They hopped in a shitty old van that Geoff owned precisely for this purpose. The outside was battered and worse for wear, but everything on the inside ran like a dream. Ryan stayed hunched and pressed against the wall on the vehicle as it swayed with the movement of traffic. He thanked the heavens Jack was up front in the driver’s seat, knowing that he wouldn’t be able to keep himself from biting back if Jack baited him. He could feel the Vagabond bubbling deep inside of him, could feel him getting a firmer grip over Ryan’s mind as the promise of violence became more and more realistic with every mile. He couldn’t see out, the back having no windows to speak of, and the enveloping darkness made him feel claustrophobic. Slivers of moonlight poured in through the metal grate separating the cab and the chassis and illuminating the vague silhouettes of the lads a few feet away. Ray and Jeremy were whispering something to each other, incomprehensible under the low drone of the radio up front, and Ryan could feel Michael’s eyes burning into him the entire drive there.

 

“Almost there,” Jack called over his shoulder, punching the gas a little harder to let them feel the way the vehicle jumped forward.

 

Ryan’s bloodthirst became nearly overwhelming, and he itched to get his hands on the plethora of weapons laid under the flooring of the van. He could almost feel the sticky heat of it on his skin, and something in the back of his own mind was terrified at the primal hunger coursing through his body. The minute the van jerked to a stop he was yanking on the door handle, growling when he realized Jack had put a child safety lock on it. He bashed his fast against the metal until Geoff threw it open, shocked when the older man’s hand curled in the collar of his shirt and yanked him out onto the dirty asphalt. His palms scraped the ground, the sting letting him know that skin had been broken, and a red hot anger that couldn’t  _ possibly  _ belong to him flared up in his chest like a wildfire.

 

Geoff’s foot connected with his ribs before he could act on it, though, and he fell to his side with a grunt. He glared up at his boss, blue eyes blazing with an insanity that had the rest of the crew backing away. Geoff, however, just glared down at him without even a flicker of fear in his steady gaze.

 

“This is not a fucking game,” he said slowly, as though Ryan were a particularly slow child. “Gavin’s life is in danger, and if you’re too compromised to keep yourself together during this mission, I will lock you in the apartment and the only jobs you’ll be getting will be with the god damn B team.”

 

Ryan paused, already feeling a bruise blooming where Geoff’s boot had connected with his ribs, and dropped his gaze to the ground.

 

“I understand, boss,” he said quietly, voice low and just a bit ashamed.

 

There was a clang, and he looked up to see Michael yanking out an SMG from beneath the flooring with a slightly crazed grin. Geoff turned on his heel, striding away to cover the details of the plan once again with Jack. Ryan felt the anger flare up again when he saw the smug look on the bearded man’s face, albeit on a much smaller scale. He pushed himself to his feet, eyeing the selection with a manic sort of glee that the idea of destruction always incited. He settled on a gun identical to Michael’s, figuring his minigun would be overkill for such a mission. They’d parked behind the warehouse under the cover of overgrown foliage, and Ryan felt a pulse of anxiety at the familiar building. There was no security outside, but no one else seemed to notice this.

 

They strode toward the looming structure confidently, and Ryan felt his anxiety increase when they were able to walk right in. The building was eerily silent, their footsteps resounding off the walls like explosions, and even though he was breathing fine he felt like he was holding his breath. There was a scuffle down the hallway to their right, followed by a rushed whisper that made the entire group stop in their tracks. Geoff waved his hand nonsensically, Jack turning around to face them and translate them into something more comprehensible than lazy waves.

 

Michael and Ray slipped down the hall to the left silently, and Ryan watched as Jack and Geoff slipped further into the depths of the building. This left Ryan and Jeremy to investigate the shuffling. Jeremy’s fingers curled loosely around his wrist, boots suddenly silent on the concrete as they rounded the corner. The corridor was empty, but there was a door on the far end left wide open. The earpiece in his ear crackled to life, the radio static significantly louder than it was when Gavin usually set it up for them, and Michael’s low voice filtered into his ear like a secret.

 

“East side seems empty, you’d think they’d have a bit more security,” he grumbled, followed by the sound of his boot connecting hard with a surface.

 

From somewhere else in the building, there was the echoing clang of a door slamming against the wall, and Ryan sighed. So much for being stealthy. He pushed in front of Jeremy as they approached the open door, squinting his eyes against the light spilling out into the dark of the hallway. He heard the click of Jeremy’s safety being turned off, and the lust for violence returned with a vengeance. His heel collided with the door the same way Michael’s had across the building just moments ago, though instead of swinging open the wood simply splintered beneath the force, scattering like even it was afraid of what Ryan might do if it should get in his way.

 

There was a shop work light propped on the floor, an extension cord running out the window to where there was likely a generator outside. Other than that and a couple cleaning supplies in the corner, the room was suspiciously empty.

 

“Second floor clear,” Geoff mumbled over the radio.

 

“Third floor also clear,” Jack hummed.

 

“Is there anyone even in this fucking building, Ryan?” Michael spat angrily.

 

Ryan remained silent, staring at the open window.

 

“They might’ve heard us,” Ray chimed in, “you did kick open a fucking door, Michael.”

 

Jeremy sighed behind him, hand coming to rest on Ryan’s elbow.

 

“They escaped out the window,” Ryan said flatly, turning his gaze from what was no doubt the escape route to Jeremy’s warm brown eyes.

 

“They didn’t bring Gavin here,” Jeremy replied, eyebrows raising. “They must’ve brought him somewhere else.”

 

He turned away, hand flying to his ear as he repeated himself over the radio. Ryan watched the shorter man, tuning out his voice for a moment as it came over the radio a second later. Something twisted in his stomach, something like anxiety and dissatisfaction, and he shoved his head out the window as the twisting brought up the Chinese they’d had for dinner. The radio was an incomprehensible chatter in his ear, his head swimming as he threw up. A warm hand rested on his lower back, rubbing small circles as he sucked in a sharp breath of cold night air. He screwed his eyes shut against the pale moonlight, knuckles going white as he gripped the edge of the window sill.

 

“Don’t tell them,” he rasped, just loud enough for Jeremy to hear.

 

Jeremy didn’t respond, but he didn’t hear his voice over the radio either. When he pulled himself back inside, he couldn’t meet Jeremy’s eyes. Not because he was afraid, or ashamed, but because he didn’t want to see the concern he knew would be there. He was fine, and that was the end of it.

 

“We’re clear, let’s get out of here,” Geoff sighed, followed by several calls of agreement.

 

When they met back at the van, Ryan was carefully silent. He didn’t get too close to anyone, lest they smell the vomit on his breath, and chose not to speak, lest he upset someone with clumsy words. The drive back was silent, no one daring to speak. They’d all hoped that it’d be just that easy, that whoever had taken Ryan would be clumsy enough to bring Gavin to the same place. The lack of security should’ve been a dead giveaway.

 

He brushed his teeth the moment he got upstairs, brushing off comments about his late night routine with a practiced ease. He felt just a tad too cold when he stepped out of the yellow bathroom light and into the dark kitchen. The apartment was eerily silent, the panicked clack of keys down the hall telling Ryan that they were trying to figure out Gavin’s computer set up.

 

“Ryan,” Jeremy’s voice whispered from behind him.

 

Ryan turned to see Jeremy standing in the doorway to the back room, arms crossed and eyes filled with concern. He let out a slow breath, eyebrows knitting together as he took a tentative step closer. Ryan didn’t move away, but he didn’t lean in either. Jeremy’s fingertips ghosted over Ryan’s cheek, the pad of his thumb grazing the barely there scar on his temple. Ryan’s eyes slipped shut at the familiar touch, forcefully silencing the voice that immediately questioned his emotions.

 

“What’s wrong, Ryan?” Jeremy murmured, the tenderness in his voice making Ryan relax a bit.

 

“Jeremy,” Ryan breathed, voice strained as he tried to convey all he was feeling without having to say it.

 

Jeremy sighed, hand sliding down Ryan’s chest to settle over the bruise Geoff had left on his ribs. Ryan winced at the pressure, but didn’t dare flinch away from Jeremy’s gentle hands.

 

“Ryan?” Jeremy said quietly after a moment.

 

“Yeah?” Ryan replied tentatively, the uncharacteristic tremor of nervousness in the shorter man’s voice giving him pause.

 

Jeremy was quiet for a moment, eyes flicking down to where his hand rested on Ryan’s ribs before he lifted himself onto his toes. There was a gentle tug on the fabric of Ryan’s shirt, and Ryan lowered himself to meet Jeremy halfway. The kiss was heady and saccharine, nothing like the usual hungry kisses that made them both feel like they were devouring and being devoured. It made it hard for Ryan to breathe, too caught up in the gentle pressure of Jeremy’s lips against his. His hands settled on Jeremy’s hips, Jeremy’s arms sliding up around his shoulders, and when they pulled away Ryan’s knees felt just a bit weaker than usual.

 

“I love you, Ryan,” Jeremy whispered in the short space between their lips, and Ryan went stiff.

 

The heady warmth was washed away by the feeling of being drenched in cold water. He jerked his head back to put more distance between them, Jeremy’s arms falling away as Ryan only continued to back away. His heart was beating hard in his chest, and his hands felt clammy. He felt weak, defenseless,  _ vulnerable _ around Jeremy.

 

“I should go to bed,” Ryan said flatly, despite the fact that he was not the slightest bit tired.

 

He turned before Jeremy had the chance to respond, stalking down the hall. He could feel the man’s gaze on his back right up until he got to his room, flinching when the door slammed a little too hard behind him. Despite the knowledge that Jeremy wouldn’t come in after that, he locked the door anyways. Not like it’d stop anyone from picking the lock and coming in anyways, but it gave him a sense of isolation that he needed at the moment. He sighed, collapsing on his bed with his boots and clothing still on.

 

Sleep didn’t come until hours later, Ryan’s mind racing for every agonizing second of that time.


	14. Chapter 14

Gavin didn’t know where he was. He didn’t know how long it had been. Just about the only thing he knew in that moment was the amount of pain he was in, and even that was questionable. He’s seen people tortured at the hands of the Vagabond, but he’s never fully understood the pain until now. A bone or two was broken in his leg, his ribs at least bruised, pain was radiating from all spots on his body. This wasn’t even on par with the Vagabond, but Gavin was ready to toss in the towel from it. They hadn’t asked him for information, so he didn’t know what they wanted, but whatever it was he was needed alive. His throat was painfully dry from screaming in pain. Gavin didn’t respond as he heard the doors to the room open; there wasn’t anything he could do to save himself, so why react?

“It’s amusing to see the Golden Boy in such a state,” the man stated. Gavin stayed quiet as the man continued to approach him. “I’d never think that the Golden Boy ever stopped talking. Then again, you’re hurting quite a bit, aren’t you? Wishing your crew would come and save you just to get caught?”

“Bugger off,” Gavin muttered, not lifting his chin from his chest. Maybe if he could just fall asleep, this ordeal will be over sooner. His cheek stung from the slap. 

“Shut the fuck up. I didn’t give you permission to speak,” the man growled, annoyed. “I won’t even let your crew have a body to bury for you, just pieces. They can try to come and get you out, but I’ll shoot you in the head before they’ve even reached this room.” Gavin stayed silent this time, waiting as the man begins walking out of the room. Two other men came to take his place in front of Gavin. 

A yelp escaped Gavin as hot metal striked his back. Clamping his eyes shut, Gavin leaned forward, biting his lip. Another strike and Gavin tried to double over in the chair to no avail, knuckles meeting his cheek from his attempt. Gavin sat in the chair, heart pounding against his ribs as nothing happened for a minute. Suddenly, his hair is yanked back, forcing his face up. A red blinking caught his eye, forcing Gavin to realize that there was a camera set up in the corner, recording everything. With wide eyes, he stared at the camera in fear. The hand in his hair jerked, forcing him to wince. “Come on, Golden Boy. Say hello to your crew.”

Gavin felt as if a bucket of ice water was poured over him. They had been recording this, and he knew that they would send it to the crew. With a heavy heart, Gavin laid his chin to his chest again, tears in his eyes as he thought of all the pain it would cause the crew. He didn’t care about what he was being put through physically anymore, he just wanted the crew safe and happy. 

~~~~~

Michael had been ignoring the crew. He would sit, alone, on the roof, staring at nothing. Geoff and Jack tried to get Michael to talk with the crew, but whenever Michael wasn’t moping on the roof, he was working his ass off to try and find where the fuck Gavin was. The crew didn’t know if Michael had even slept since Gavin was taken, and frankly, neither did Michael. Now, he was glaring daggers at the computer, exhausted mind ready to snap. Geoff carefully approached him, not moving within reach of the man. “Why don’t you go check the mail or something? Get outta the house for a while that’s not on the roof?”

“I’m fine, Geoff,” Michael snapped, not moving his glare from the computer. Geoff sighed. 

“You’ve been starting at the screen for ten minutes and for at least four of them, that screen has read ‘Scan Complete’ on it. You’re nowhere near fine.” Michael’s face flushed red from anger and embarrassment. Gently, Geoff placed a hand on Michael’s shoulder. “Now go check the fucking mail and please don’t punch me.”

“Fine,” Michael grumbled, moodily standing from the chair. Walking to the front door, he opened it, leaving without a glance back. Michael slouched as he moves through the hall. Walking into the lobby of the apartment building, Michael cursed under his breath as he sees that he realized he fucking forgot the key for their fucking box. Deciding to say fuck it, Michael looked around the lobby, taking out his pistol and shoot the lock. Opening the door to check their mail, Michael hid the pistol again before looking inside the space. Michael froze as he reached to grab the mail, seeing a CD with golden letters laying on top of the mail. Picking up just the CD, he read over the golden lettering ‘GOLDEN BOY’ before his face grew red again. He didn’t know exactly what was on the disc yet, but he was going to fucking kill someone for it. Storming up to their apartment, Michael left the rest of the envelopes, gripping the disc tightly.


	15. Chapter 15

The doorknob smashed through the drywall when Michael flung the door open, already screaming upon entry. Ray had scrambled up the moment he heard the frantic stomping up the stairs, knowing nothing good was going to come from an angry Michael. Ryan saw Geoff physically brace himself as Michael’s furious gaze locked with his.

“THEY’RE FUCKING BRAGGING, GEOFF, WE HAVE TO GET HIM BACK!” the redhead spewed, the words accompanied by saliva as his face flushed red.

Geoff wrapped a hand around Michael’s wrist as the younger man grabbed a fistful of his shirt, his yelling quickly growing incomprehensible as he ran out of ways to convey his rage. Geoff turned his head away in an attempt to escape the spit flying from Michael’s mouth, and Ryan could see that he was mumbling something, but couldn’t even make out the sound of his voice over Michael.

“Michael, Michael I need you to stop, you have to calm down,” Geoff growled, voice growing loud enough to carry over Michael.

Michael only seemed to get louder, starting to bodily shake their boss with every word. Then, there was a resounding smack, and the room was silent. The suddenness of it made Ryan’s ears ring, and a thick tension settled over the room.

“Listen to me, Michael,” Geoff said slowly, voice far colder than he’d ever used before with the younger man. “I understand that you’re upset and angry, but I don’t need you to fucking take it out on me. Now slow down, and tell me what you have.”

Michael suddenly looked like a scorned child, immature and stupid in the face of Geoff’s calm rage. He held out the CD, not daring to make a move of physical aggression like he usually would. Geoff’s handprint was clear and blazing red on his pale skin, making his freckles stand out. Geoff snatched the disc from his grasp, stormy eyes flicking over the golden writing and growing even darker. He said nothing, but Michael and Ryan followed him as he swept down the hall, the wordless order shaking them both.

By the time they made it into Michael’s room, Jack was already inserting the disc into the computer with Geoff at his shoulder. Ray was stretched out on a beanbag in the corner that he’d no doubt dragged from his own room, and Jeremy was sitting on the edge of the cot they’d dragged in. Michael took up his place at Jack’s other shoulder and Ryan peered over their heads as the video pulled up.

It opened on a dark room, the only light a flickering bare bulb in the ceiling. In the yellow glow, a slumped form sat bound to a chair, the wild hair and lithe frame clearly belonging to Gavin. His shoulders heaved, and in the horrified silence of the room Ryan could vaguely hear his rasping breaths coming through the speakers. A door opened, light spilling in briefly before it slammed shut once again. Gavin didn’t even twitch, and Ryan saw Michael’s jaw tense as the man’s voice filtered over the speakers, slightly distorted by the poor quality.

“It’s amusing to see the Golden Boy in such a state. I’d never think that the Golden Boy ever stopped talking. Then again, you’re hurting quite a bit, aren’t you? Wishing your crew would come and save you just to get caught?”

“Bugger off.”

Ryan saw Michael’s eyebrows raise slightly at how terse Gavin’s voice was, but he was anything but surprised. Gavin had given him the same rough voice while they’d been paired together in the field, back when he’d just joined the crew, and hearing it again in such a context gave him chills. He had to snap out of it quickly, resting a firm hand on Michael’s shoulder when the man struck Gavin across the face.

“Shut the fuck up. I didn’t give you permission to speak. I won’t even let your crew have a body to bury for you, just pieces. They can try to come and get you out, but I’ll shoot you in the head before they’ve even reached this room.”

Michael’s shoulders were shaking under his palm, and he’d curled one hand in the denim of his jeans to keep from digging his nails into his hand. Ryan looked up just in time to see that the man had been replaced by two others, Gavin’s agonized scream pouring out of the speakers just seconds later. A hot flare of rage engulfed him all at once, the Vagabond creeping in at the edges as his mind filled with the need for one thing; vengeance.

Michael went stock still, and Ryan watched as the fire in his eyes turned to something cold and black. His face went pale, and the air in the room felt suffocating. They all watched, eyes locked to the screen, as another scream was ripped out of Gavin, followed by the heavy impact of a fist as the hacker tried to slump over. There was silence, a weight on all of them that felt like it was stretching an eternity in just a minute. Shadows moved about, defining features invisible in the limited light and poor camera quality, and suddenly Gavin’s head was yanked up from his chest as the ringleader pointed at the camera.

“Come on, Golden Boy. Say hello to your crew.”

Ryan could see the moment Gavin registered the camera, his whole body tensing and drooping in a manner he’d seen many of his own victims exhibit when their hope was slipping. The video cut to black, and Michael shoved Ryan out of the way so violently that he nearly fell backwards. He drove his fist through the wall with a frustrated shout, and when he turned Ryan could see tears slipping down his cheeks.

He threw open the door before anyone could say anything, and was already down the hall before someone made the first move. Ray rushed out of the room, and Ryan figured he’d leave him to it. After all, Ray had known Michael the longest, since long before the crew even, and he’d know how to handle it better than anyone else currently in the building.

Jeremy gave Ryan a worried glance, but Ryan just ignored him, instead choosing to take Michael’s place by Jack’s shoulder. His voice was frigid as he spoke, and he could feel how it made everyone tense up.

“Find. Him.”


	16. Chapter 16

Another week had passed from when Michael found that tape in their mailbox. Each day, the crew grew more and more anxious. But, since Gavin was the one who always did the tech shit, the crew was at a loss. They started working in shifts, trying to figure out what the fuck to do. Ryan had gone out a few times to try to see if he could find something, but there wasn’t anything to be found. He had searched the city completely before heading back to their apartment. The last thing he wanted was to be back in the apartment, but breaking his murder break now wouldn’t be helpful at all. As he enters the apartment, he sees Ray asleep on the couch, Jeremy asleep at the table, head resting on a book. Ryan sighed, moving to cover Ray in a blanket before bringing Jeremy to bed to sleep more comfortably. He peeked into Gavin’s room, Jack and Geoff trying to work together on a program. Shaking his head, Ryan went back to the kitchen, rummaging through the fridge for something to eat. He ended up grabbing a takeout box of Chinese food, heating it up. Snatching a diet coke from the fridge, Ryan leaves the lights off as he sits down at the table. Slowly, he ate the leftover food, trying to think of where Gavin could be. But the mere thought of Gavin caused Ryan to freeze; how is Gavin? Are they still torturing him?

Ryan didn’t hear the footsteps coming to the kitchen. As his mind was racing with all the possibilities, Ryan didn’t notice the new person until he cleared his throat. Ryan’s head snapped up to meet Michael’s glare, eyes wide and body frozen. There was a moment of Michael just staring at Ryan before he sighed, walking over to the counter. He didn’t turn to look at Ryan as he said, “Well, seeing as that is my food, you have to share it with me.”

“I didn’t see a label on it,” Ryan muttered back. Michael raised an eyebrow at him as he sat down at the table.

“There was a fucking sticky note on it, Ryan.” Ryan allowed Michael to grab some of the rice without a fight. 

“Well make sure it’s on better next time,” Ryan retorted with a sly smirk. 

“You’re just jealous because I’m smart enough to label my food,” Michael joked, smiling as Ryan scowled at him. “Hey, don’t look at me like that. I wasn’t the one who wrote ‘Don’t Touch’ without their name on it. Then, to top it off, have Gavin fucking set it on fire by heating it up in the microwave.”

“He should never be left alone in the kitchen,” Ryan laughed, “Especially if it’s with Jeremy. You remember the last toaster incident?”

“Don’t tell me,” Michael started, eyes wide. Ryan smirked. 

“Jeremy popped the toast down, like, three or four times. He somehow convinced Gavin that the toast wasn’t ready.” Michael’s head hit the table with a heavy sigh. Ryan chuckled, taking a sip of his soda. 

“Man, don’t we have the most amazing boyfriends?” Michael asked, taking another bite of food while staring off into space. Ryan’s movements stuttered before he completely stopped, turning his head to face Michael. 

“Jeremy and I aren’t-”

“Yeah, I know you aren’t,” Michael cut Ryan off with a scowl. “But you both obviously fucking love each other. I thought that maybe Jeremy had figured it out weeks ago, but no. He fucking didn’t. And you’re absolutely useless with emotions. No offense.”

“What?” Ryan asked, not sure he was processing this correctly. Michael leveled a glare at him. 

“Whether you fucking like it or not, Ryan,” Michael started, “Jeremy loves you with everything he’s got. You love him with everything you’ve got. Stop trying to deny what you feel just because you think you’re helping him. Trust me, you’re not.”

“What would you know, Michael?” Ryan asked tensely. 

“Because I tried that with Gavin,” Michael hissed, taking another bite. “I tried to push him away because I didn’t want to hurt him or be the reason he got hurt. You wanna know what fucking happened?” Ryan stayed silent, so Michael took that as a cue to continue, “It nearly got him killed. He thought that I was pissed or disgusted at him, so he got sloppy on a job. Are you really trying to do that to Jeremy?”

“I would fucking kill myself before I allowed that,” Ryan hissed, standing up to put his fork in the sink. Michael stood in the way as Ryan tried to leave. “Get. Out. Of. My. Way.”

“Not until you fucking listen,” Michael warned lowly, “Tell the Vagabond to fuck off right now. Ryan is the guy I’m talking to because Ryan is the guy that needs it.” Ryan didn’t respond. “Yeah, I know that emotions are dangerous in this lifestyle. But, you know what? That’s exactly why you need to fucking embrace them. Life is short, shorter for us in our lives, too. So why be a miserable fucking bitch? Why make yourself suffer? If you never test the boundaries, you’re never gonna get anywhere. Gavin and I figured it out, now it’s time for you and Jeremy, Ryan.”

“You know I can’t do that,” Ryan hissed, but stayed entirely still. Michael had expected him to push his way out of the kitchen. Maybe Michael was actually getting Ryan?

“The only fucking reason you can’t is because you don’t want to,” Michael snapped. “You don’t want to be happy, do you? You’re content just living miserably?”

“Michael. Ryan.” Both men jumped at the sound of a tired voice. Ray shuffled over to them, stepping between them and putting a hand over each of their mouths. “Shut the fuck up. Don’t fucking wake Jeremy. Don’t fucking bother Jack. Don’t fucking bother Geoff. No shut the fuck up and do something more productive so you fucking stop bothering me. So help me, if you start bitching at each other again I’ll kick both ya asses.”

“Ray, go back to sleep,” Ryan murmured, not looking at Michael or Ray. The man muttered incoherently before obeying, falling face first onto the couch. “I’m going to see if Jack and Geoff want a break. Try to get some sleep, Michael.”

“Yeah, have fun,” Michael bitterly said, “Just at least fucking consider what I said.”

Ryan didn’t reply. The man only went down the hall, leaving a fuming Michael in the doorway to the kitchen. Something would happen soon, something had to, before the crew could lose it completely. The question was: would the crew be ready?


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> more stoner ray, idk if you can tell but i'm a little obsessed with it <3

When Jeremy woke up, the first thing that caught his attention was the warm weight pressed against his side. A grin formed on his face before he even opened his eyes as he heard Ryan’s familiar snores, breath ghosting across his bare chest and making his stomach flutter. It was rare that the older man wrapped himself around Jeremy like this, and he could hardly remember the last time he woke up to it without having dragged Ryan into bed the night before. He ran his fingers through Ryan’s hair, relishing the pleased little noise he let out as he scooted closer. He cracked his eyes open, looking down to catch a glimpse of Ryan’s face. He leaned down to press a kiss to the sleeping man’s forehead, freezing nervously when Ryan’s eyes fluttered open. This was usually the part where Ryan pulled away, where Jeremy was left alone in bed until he forced himself up to get breakfast, but instead the blonde tipped his head up, blue eyes swirling with something soft and warm that Jeremy didn’t want to name for fear he’d be wrong.

 

Ryan’s lips pressed against his, body shifting so that he was propped up on his elbow above Jeremy. Jeremy’s hands drifted to his shoulders, fingers curling in the soft fabric of his shirt as he lost himself in the tenderness of it all. They both had morning breath, and were both still a bit too sluggish for it to be a particularly good kiss, but it made Jeremy’s head swim nonetheless. He had to bite his tongue to contain an upset little whine when Ryan pulled away, instead opening his eyes to see Ryan staring down at him.

 

“Did I do something special to deserve this?” Jeremy teased, hands sliding down to rest of Ryan’s biceps.

 

Ryan didn’t respond immediately, instead dipping his head to leave a trail of kisses down Jeremy’s throat.

 

“I’m sorry,” Ryan rasped weakly, and Jeremy’s eyes snapped down to meet his.

 

“Don’t apologize,” he said quietly, cupping Ryan’s face and pressing their foreheads together. “Don’t apologize, I understand.”

 

Ryan was silent. Jeremy knew he didn’t really understand, maybe never would, but he knew what Ryan was apologizing for, and understood that it wasn’t his fault. Ryan’s hand drifted down his side, resting on his hip as his eyes closed. They stayed there for awhile, just breathing into the space between them, until Geoff’s muffled yelling down the hall broke the shattered the silence.

 

“We should get to work,” Ryan breathed, something tight and pained in his voice. Jeremy wanted nothing more than to soothe it.

 

“Yeah,” he said instead, making no move to actually do it until Ryan pulled away.

 

He watched the older man make himself presentable, pushing himself up and out of bed when the door clicked shut behind him.

 

~~~~

 

The day that followed was just like those previous. Brush teeth, quick breakfast, try to figure out and efficiently use Gavin’s technology to track him down. Ray had taken over after Jack had accidentally closed a program and almost broke the monitor in his rage, and Jeremy helped where he could. Ryan and Michael had seemingly made themselves an inseparable team, a silent look shared between them when Michael had exclaimed that they would be working together that left Jeremy feeling a bit uneasy. His skin still tingled where Ryan had lavished attention on him that morning, and he could tell Ray was quickly getting fed up with his spacing out.

 

“Dude, what’s up with you?” Ray finally asked, kicking his feet up on the edge of the desk while a program ran on the screen.

 

Jeremy tore his eyes away from the monitor, not quite able to meet Ray’s eyes. He knew the man would be able to read him like a book if he did. Instead, he stared at the tattered canvas of his converse, the soles smoothed from years of wear.

 

“Nothing,” he said, after a pause that lasted far too long to be nothing.

 

Ray sighed, rolling his eyes and tossing and empty diet coke can at his head, which Jeremy just barely dodged.

 

“It’s obviously not nothing, do you need a smoke?” Ray asked, eyebrow raised in a way that told Jeremy exactly what kind of smoke he was implying.

 

Jeremy melted back into his chair, scuffing his heel against the carpet with a laboured sigh.

 

“It’s Ryan.”

 

Ray spun around in his chair, pulling open the bottom drawer of Gavin’s desk and pulling out a little box. Jeremy watched Ray’s hands work, letting out a laugh when he slammed the box shut and held up a perfectly rolled joint with flourish.

 

“Speak to me,” Ray hummed, pulling a lighter out of his pocket and lighting the joint casually.

 

“I think he feels guilty,” Jeremy said, watching the smoke curl toward the ceiling. “For being so distant.”

 

“He should,” Ray said bluntly, passing the joint and wiggling the mouse to keep the screen awake. “He’s kind of been a dick, Jeremy, and it’s not as bad as he used to be but he really needs to get his head out of his ass.”

 

“What do you mean?” Jeremy croaked, wisps of smoke escaping from his mouth.

 

“He loves you,” Ray hummed, sitting up to start up a different scan.

 

Jeremy’s chest tightened, lungs forcing out all the smoke all at once in a big cloud as he doubled over coughing. Ray plucked the joint from his fingers before it fell to the floor, taking a long hit as he waited for Jeremy to regain himself.

 

“Dramatic,” he said when Jeremy got his breath back. “He obviously fucking does, you can’t deny it. Well, maybe you can, since you’re clearly oblivious, but anyone else with a brain could see he’s head over god damn heels for you. He’s probably just as oblivious, though, Mr. I-Can’t-Ever-Be-In-Love-Because-It’s-A-Weakness.” Ray handed the joint over. “Don’t let it get to you so much, he’s just got a lot to figure out right now.”

 

Jeremy nodded slowly, the high already sinking in and taking the edge off. He knew Ryan was bad at feelings, Ray had already said so, after all, and he also knew he just had to give him time to admit it to himself.

 

“Do you wanna spend the rest of your life with him?” Ray asked casually, as though he were simply asking about the weather, and Jeremy almost choked on his own tongue.

 

He was silent for awhile, and Ray looked just about ready to simply finish the joint in silence when he finally mumbled, “whatever that means for us, in this line of work.”

 

Ray nodded, kicking his feet up again and passing the joint. Resin made Jeremy’s lips feel sticky, the unique taste of weed and the pineapple rolling paper thick on his tongue, and he moved his gaze to the window again. A minute later, there was soft music filtering out of the speakers, and Jeremy huffed a laugh as he realized Ray had pulled up a playlist labeled ‘HIGH MUSIC’.

 

Outside the door, unbeknownst to either of the men inside, Ryan leaned against the door frame. Michael stood across from him, arms crossed, mouthing ‘I told you so’ before stalking down the hall. Ryan just sighed, pushing off the wall and following after with his tail between his legs. The conversation played over and over in his head like a broken record.

 

_ Do you wanna spend the rest of your life with him? _

 

_ Whatever that means for us, in this line of work. _


	18. Chapter 18

Ryan stood in the dark hallway, everything silent as he held his phone. Ray and Michael were asleep in the living room, Jack and Geoff asleep at Gavin’s computer, and Jeremy asleep at the table once again. With a heavy sigh, Ryan covered Ray and Michael with a blanket before moving Jeremy to the couch. Ryan knew he shouldn’t be just leaving like this, he knew it would cause the crew pain. But, as he reads the text again, he knew it was the only way to make sure Gavin got back alive. It’s the least Ryan could do to repay the crew. So, with a final sigh, Ryan set his phone on the kitchen counter, leaving the apartment without a sound. 

~~~~~

Jeremy was woken up by the smell of bacon and eggs. Groaning, he stood from the couch before staring at it in confusino. Had he fallen asleep on the couch? He didn’t think he did. Either way, he made his way to the kitchen, snatching a piece of bacon when Geoff’s back was turned. Geoff whipped around to scowl at Jeremy.

“Goddammit, Jeremy. Did I call for food? I don’t think I did. Go sit your ass down and wait for everyone else who’s still home,” Geoff scolded Jeremy, who could only smile sheepishly as he sat at the kitchen counter. 

“Where is everyone?”

“Jack is working with Ray on finding Gavin. Michael left after I got up to go look through the city again. I assume Ryan left earlier to do the same,” Geoff told Jeremy with an angry look. “If they think they can get away with hurting my crew, I’m going to fuck them up myself before any of you get the fucking chance.”

“We’ll find them. They can’t hide forever, Geoff. If we have to burn down every building in this city, we will if it means we get Gavin back,” Jeremy reminded the man. They shared a silent moment of understanding before Jeremy stood. “I’m going to go get Jack and Ray for breakfast.”

“Fine. But so help me if I don’t get at least ten pieces of bacon--”

“You’ll kill us, yes, we know, Geoff.”

~~~~~

Ryan stepped into the dark warehouse, face emotionless as he glanced around. He could tell that there were at least three men in the corners of the room, but he refused to acknowledge them. Taking a deep breath, Ryan called out, “I’m here. No one followed me, no one knows I’m here. I am unarmed. Let the Golden Boy go.”

The man that had Ryan before stepped into the room with a grin. Behind him, Ryan saw two men dragging Gavin with them. Everything in Ryan told him to fight, to kill everyone who had hurt Gavin, but he knew he couldn’t. “Ah, the Vagabond finally decides to show up to protect his little buddy. How sweet.”

“The Golden Boy has nothing to do with this, so leave him out of it,” Ryan snarled. The man simply laughed before grinning wider, if possible. Ryan took a step forward, and three guns were instantly trained on him. 

“Oh, you thought I didn’t learn? Well isn’t that adorable?” the man taunts, “Why don’t you try that again? I’d love to put a bullet through the boy’s skull.”

Ryan didn’t move. He fought to keep a straight face, but he was simply too pissed at the moment to care. Ryan knew that this was his fault, that every injury Gavin had was his fault. He would not allow Gavin to be killed. Gavin was beginning to stir, and Ryan stared at the man. Ryan felt his heart sink at Gavin’s broken expression, at the black eye and bruised face. There were burns and cuts and horribly cauterized wounds covering every inch of exposed skin. Ryan couldn’t breathe as his stomach flipped at the sight. 

“Ryan?” Gavin croaked, breaking Ryan’s heart further. Ryan tensed as the boss turned around to backhand Gavin, earning a sharp cry. 

“Just. Let. Him. Go,” Ryan said through clenched teeth. Gavin appeared to be frozen in his spot, eyes boring holes into Ryan’s skull. Ryan couldn’t tell if it was fear or anger, but he didn’t have to wait to find out. 

“YOU BLOODY IDIOT!” Gavin struggled weakly against the men holding him until a gun was pressed against his temple. 

“Stop fighting and let them let you go, Golden Boy,” Ryan said, unable to look at Gavin. He couldn’t handle the pain that he knew was shown on his face. A gunshot echoed through the warehouse, followed by Gavin’s scream of pain. Ryan tried to race forward as Gavin fell to the ground, a bullet in his stomach, but a bullet lodged itself in his side.

“Send the Fakes an address to pick up the boy.” Ryan watched as two men moved to get Gavin out of the warehouse, another following them. “You four, get Vagabond here into the cage. I’ll be back tomorrow to start.” The last thing Ryan saw was a foot coming down hard onto his head, a grunt of pain slipping past his lips. 

~~~~~

Jeremy was starting to get anxious. It was five at night and neither Ryan or Michael were back yet. Geoff was with Jack as they worked on the computer, Ray sleeping in the living room. As Jeremy paced, his mind was going wild with possibilities. What if Michael and Ryan were taken, too? What if they were hurt? Jeremy moved to pour himself a glass of orange juice, his hands shaking horribly in his anxious state. What if they were being followed? What if they weren’t able to lose a tail if they had one? What if someone else decided it was a good time to get revenge on the Fakes? What if--

Jeremy’s thoughts were cut off by the front door slamming open, Michael hurrying inside. Ray fell off the chair with a yelp, but Jeremy rushed to the panicked man. Geoff and Jack ran out to the living room, the question clear in their eyes. Michael was shaking and on the verge of hyperventilation, tears threatening to fall. “I have an address to pick Gavin up.”

“But where’s Ryan?” Jack asked, eyes narrowing in suspicion. Michael looked at them, confused. 

“Wasn’t he here with you guys?” Jeremy froze as realization struck him. He couldn’t breath as his heart pounded in his ears, shaking legs giving out. His hands moved to cover his face as he tried to remain conscious. 

But Jeremy knew what happened now. 

Ryan turned himself in to save Gavin.

Ryan left the crew for them to get Gavin back.

Ryan thought that this was the best course of action. 

Jeremy couldn’t feel himself being held by Jack. He couldn’t feel Michael hugging him close, tears falling onto Jeremy’s shoulders. In that moment, Jeremy could only feel his heart shattering and his will to live vanish. 

Maybe Ryan didn’t love Jeremy.

Or maybe he did, but he was still trying to protect Jeremy.

Jeremy didn’t know whether to be deeply hurt, extremely pissed, or both.


	19. Chapter 19

Picking Gavin up was a bloody affair. They’d done the bare minimum to keep him alive, and had they been any later he likely wouldn’t be. Caleb had been the second on the scene, only Michael himself making it there in record time. It’d taken a fight to get the two apart long enough to get Gavin into the back of a slightly-less-than-legal ambulance and to Caleb’s even less legal makeshift hospital room. Michael was a mess the entire way, clinging to Gavin’s hand and snapping at anyone who got to close as though anyone in the crew may be a threat to the Brit’s health.

 

“Michael,” Jeremy murmured, resting a hand on Michael’s shoulder as the other lad shuddered with repressed anger and sorrow.

 

“He could’ve fucking died,” Michael snarled, and Jeremy paused when he saw tears streak down his cheeks. “He could’ve fucking died, and I wouldn’t have done anything to stop it.”

 

Jeremy glanced at Gavin’s unconscious form, IVs tucked neatly into his forearms to keep him sedated and stable for the time being. He looked like he’d been through hell, the bandages that Caleb had applied hardly half an hour ago already soaked through with crimson, and there was no doubt that he’d have a plethora or scars criss crossing his torso.

 

“He’s alive, though,” Jeremy said.

 

_ Ryan might not be _ , he thought.  _ Ryan sacrificed himself for Gavin, but you’re not thinking about that are you? _

 

Jeremy curled his other hand into a fist, biting his tongue to keep the harsh words from spilling out. He understood Michael’s anguish, but he couldn’t help his own bitterness. He and Gavin were close, and yet every time he looked at his lax face all he could think about was Ryan.

 

“You don’t understand, Jeremy,” Michael breathed, head dropping until Gavin’s hand was pressed to his lips. “I couldn’t protect him.”

 

“I guess I don’t understand,” Jeremy replied, hoping the quiet rage rushing through his very veins didn’t seep into his words.

 

He turned on his heel, walking out of the room and letting the door click shut behind him. He collapsed against the wall, sliding down until he was seated on the floor. It was pristine, the chemicals in the air bringing to mind Jeremy’s own time in the hospital as a kid, and he felt dirty sitting there. The stark white hurt his eyes, not helping the headache worming its way into his brain, and the storm of guilt and seething anger in his chest was making him sick.

 

“Jeremy,” Ray murmured, sliding down to sit next to Jeremy, “I know how you’re feeling.”

 

“Do you?” Jeremy snapped, a little too harsh.

 

“You’re angry,” he stated flatly, “Gavin’s back but Ryan isn’t. Everyone’s relieved, but we aren’t okay yet. Geoff is crying.”

 

Jeremy was silent, and Ray didn’t move to give him physical comfort. Jeremy didn’t want to be touched anyway.

 

“This fucking sucks,” Ray said, and Jeremy couldn’t help the laugh that pulled out of him.

 

“Yeah, it fucking sucks,” Jeremy agreed, head tilting back to lean against the wall.

 

“Ryan’s gonna be okay.”

 

Jeremy sighed, nodding slightly. Ray was the first person to mention Ryan’s well being, everyone else had been all over Gavin.

 

“Gavin’ll be alright, too. Fucked up, but alright,” Jeremy hummed.

 

“I know Gavin’ll be alright, but that’s not your main concern is it?” Ray said, turning toward Jeremy.

 

“No,” Jeremy breathed, “I care about him, but no. At least he’s here, and we know he’s in good hands.”

 

_ But we can’t say the same for Ryan _ , they both thought and did not say.

 

“I’ve been thinking,” Ray said, and something about his tone made Jeremy turn towards him. “This life’s dangerous, and I’m, I’ve been thinking about getting away.”

 

“Getting away?”

 

Ray shrugged, scuffing the heel of his ratty converse against the tile. “Just a thought. You guys are like a family to me, you know that, but all this shit’s really taking a toll on me. I’m gonna disappear for awhile, Jeremy, off the grid, and I need to trust that you won’t let them track me down. I’m not gonna do anything stupid, like try to get Ryan back on my own, but I’m gonna see if I’d be better off solo.”

 

Jeremy nodded, “I’ll keep them off your tail. Just, let us know if you’re not coming back.”

 

“I’ll let you know,” Ray said, and something in his voice let Jeremy know that he would be the only one contacted by Ray if he wasn’t coming back.

 

They were silent for awhile, the only sound in the hall being the beeping of machines coming from various rooms and their own steady breathing.

 

“We could take a ride, for awhile,” Ray offered a couple minutes later.

 

“Is that an offer for a smoke?” Jeremy asked, a little amused.

 

“One last time,” Ray said airily, a small smile on his face, “before I go.”

 

“One last time,” Jeremy agreed.

 

The finality of the statement wasn't lost on either of them, and they both chose to ignore it for now.


	20. Chapter 20

Geoff sat alone, swirling his cup of coffee as he stared. Ryan was gone; simple as that. Gavin was back--in shit condition but he was safe now--but Ryan was gone for that to happen. Geoff can’t decide if he wants to be overjoyed by getting Gavin back, or broken because Ryan thought that this was the best thing for the crew. Setting down his coffee, Geoff placed his head in his hands, tears slowly dripping from his eyes. His shoulders shook as he tried to calm down; crying won’t help Gavin or Ryan. With shaking breaths, Geoff looked up as Jack came up to him, silently sitting besides the man. Neither spoke at first, content with simply finding comfort in each other. 

“Why does this have to happen to our family?” Geoff croaked out, shaking his head as he leaned against Jack for support. Jack stayed silent, merely wrapping a comforting arm around the grieving tattooed man beside him. “Why do we have to suffer? We’re not shit people, Jack, so why do we deserve this?”

“We don’t deserve it,” Jack whispered, “But it’s what we’re getting and there’s nothing we can do to change that. The only thing we can do is deal with the cards we’re dealt. We’ve gone through this before, we can deal with it again, Geoff.”

“But Gavin’s back and he’s in bad shape; Caleb isn’t sure about him recovering or anything. Ryan’s gone and given himself over so that we can get Gavin back. Now Michael’s even more of a mess because Gavin’s back but he can’t do shit to help. Jeremy’s breaking, I know he is. He and Ryan never sorted their shit out,” Geoff sighed, taking a sip of his coffee, eyes drooping sadly. “What if we’re too late for Ryan? What if Gavin doesn’t make it? What then, Jack?”

“It won’t come to that,” Jack assured strongly, tightening his grip to bring Geoff closer to him. “This family has been through hell and back, Geoff. We won’t stop until we’re dead or this is sorted out. And believe me when I say that I will make them pay for hurting our family.”

“We’ll keep our family safe, no matter what,” Geoff agreed. A knock on the door cut off any further conversation as Michael peeked into the room. 

“Gavin’s waking up.” Jack and Geoff stood immediately, making their way out of the room. 

“How’s he doing?” Jack asked as the three men moved through the halls.

“He’s still doing shitty, but Caleb says that he should be in the clear now,” Michael informed them as they come to Gavin’s room. 

Ray and Jeremy were absent from the room, but Michael hurried to Gavin’s side as Jack and Geoff stood to the side. Slowly, the men watched as Gavin woke up with a pained groan, Caleb re-entering the room with some pain medication. Gavin was still out of it, so he couldn’t offer them any information about what happened when Ryan turned himself in nor about what he went through while he was gone. After it was clear that Gavin couldn’t remember anything in that moment, the conversation took a lighter turn for the group. Laughs were shared over stories of memories until Gavin fell asleep once again. A heavy, tangible sadness fell over the group as they watched their injured family member, the anger at the culprits burning in their veins. 

~~~~~

Ryan woke with a start, a numbing pain radiating from his stomach. His mouth burned like sandpaper as he bit his tongue to keep a pained groan from escaping him. Cracking his eyes open, Ryan’s heart sank as he only saw damp darkness surrounding him, chains weighing down his arms and legs. Slowly, Ryan moved his hand to rest over his stomach, pulling it back to catch the gleam of blood on his fingers. Scowling, Ryan let his hand drop loudly to the floor, waiting to hear anything. The silence should have been unnerving, but Ryan no longer cared. It was better this way. This way, Jeremy wouldn’t be hurt so much by him. This way, Gavin would be safe. This way, maybe his family could move on. Ryan hoped his family moved on without him, he didn’t want them to get hurt anymore because of him. 

Bored began to seep into Ryan’s body the longer he laid there with nothing. There was no noise to occupy him, no visuals, no smells, nothing. He could feel himself losing more and more blood, feel himself growing colder from it, but he couldn’t care. Gavin and the entire Fake AH Crew should be safe from Ryan’s dark past now. It didn’t matter how this all ended for Ryan, because he only wanted his family safe. His eyes were starting to close again when the door burst open with a head-splitting slam against the concrete wall behind it. Ryan squinted at the sudden flow of light, his head swimming and focus wavering. 

“Look at the Vagabond now,” a voice sneered as Ryan gasped when a strong kick landed itself over his gunshot wound, “So pathetic and weak. I wonder how much we can put him through before he won’t be a bother for us anymore.”

Ryan silently scowled at the man as he was lifted from the ground and dragged from the room. He was ready for the torture, he knew that they didn’t really have any information they were searching for. They only wanted him dead, and that’s what Ryan would give them.

So long as his family stayed safe.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> almost forgot to upload this today, yikes!!

Jeremy woke up in a cold sweat. His heart was hammering in his chest, fingers gripping the damp sheets beneath him as he struggled to even his erratic breathing. The room was dark, the only light being the faint glow of streetlights and moonlight slanting through his window to illuminate the closet. He raised a trembling hand to scrub at his eyes, hoping to clear his suddenly blurry vision, and froze when he felt the warm wetness of tears on his cheeks.

 

He’d had a nightmare, he knew that, had had plenty of them before, but they’d never awoken him like this with no memory of what had happened. He took a shaky inhale, pushing the blankets off as he struggled to remember. Flashes of a dark room, Ryan’s wide blue eyes, and a strangely clear image of his own hands soaked in crimson. A wave of nausea swept over him all of a sudden, and he scrambled out of bed just in time to heave into the little trash bin in the corner. He squeezed his eyes shut as his stomach turned over itself, making him gag despite the fact that there was nothing left to come up, had barely been anything in the first place. The cooling sweat on his skin made him feel dirty, and his entire body felt clammy and weak.

 

He shoved himself up silently, casting a glance to the closet next to him. Between his shirts and jackets, Ryan’s sweaters poked out. They were all dark, monochrome amongst the relative explosion of colour that was Jeremy’s wardrobe. His leather jacket was shoved near the end, and Jeremy’s eyes lingered on it. Something it the back of his mind nagged that it hadn’t been there before. Had never, in fact, been in Jeremy’s room apart from the times they stumbled in riding a post-mission high at an ungodly hour. He ran his fingers along the material, softened by a long period of wear. Scorch marks marred the area around the wrists, and Jeremy pulled it out like it’d fall to dust in his fingertips without a moment’s notice. The blue on the shoulders was faded, smudged with ash and something Jeremy was sure he’d rather not identify. Traces of Ryan’s facepaint were smeared around the collar, and Jeremy felt his breath catch as he sat down with the jacket in his lap.

 

The taste of vomit sat thick on his tongue, but he sat and cradled the jacket as though it would bring Ryan back if he just held it long enough. He brought it up to his face, taking a deep inhale, and tensed up a little as Ryan’s familiar scent wafted into his nose. It smelled like fire and smoke, though coffee and sweets lingered under the powerful smell of destruction, and Jeremy felt tears spring to his eyes. He gripped the jacket desperately, feeling something crumple in his hand and swallowing thickly. He dug into the pocket, pulling out a wad of folded up notebook papers, and his eyebrows furrowed as he struggled to make out what was written on them.

 

He stood up, still a little shaky from having woken up so suddenly, but the panic it had caused was fading along with the images he’d woken up with in his head. He flipped on the desk lamp, squinting briefly at the yellow tinged light that lit up the desktop, and taking a seat in his chair. The papers were covered in Ryan’s scrawling handwriting, each dated at the top, and each beginning with the same sappy words.

 

_ Dear Jeremy, _

 

Jeremy let a little smile curl his lips, finding the oldest one, dated not long after the first time they’d fallen into bed together, and starting to read.

 

_ Dear Jeremy, _

 

_This is weird but_ _I think I may_ _I have romantic feelings for you. I’m writing because I’m_ _too much of a pussy to_ _afraid my affections may not be mutual. I know we have a_ _friends with benefits thing_ _have something of a sexual arrangement now but_ _why am I even writing this I’m not gonna have the balls to give it to you_

 

_ Dear Jeremy, _

 

_ I think I love you and I wish I had the courage to say this to your face but I don’t. Would you even feel the same? I don’t think so and  _ _ god why are these turning into fucking diaries _

 

_ Dear Jeremy, _

 

_ I wish I could tell you how much you mean to me. You’re upset, and I know it’s my fault but I don’t know how to fix it. I’m sorry. _

  
  


_ Dear Jeremy, _

 

_ I’m in love with you. _

 

Jeremy pressed his palm against his mouth to stifle a sob, squeezing his eyes shut and the paper crumpled in his hand once again. His chest ached, and he wanted to scream. He left the papers on his desk, shoving himself to his feet and stumbling out of the room. Of course Ryan was that kind of sap, and of course Jeremy never got to experience it for himself without the idea of Ryan’s possible death clinging onto the thought like a burr. He tried to block out the abnormal silence of the apartment as he made his way to the bathroom, although the gaping absence in place of Ray’s quiet presence at this hour was unnerving. His room was dark, curtains drawn, lava lamps and radio switched off, and organized neatly. Jeremy made an effort to walk past it without looking too long, padding through the living room and kitchen to slip into the bathroom. He brushed his teeth, pushing away those words Ryan had written repeating over and over in his head. He felt almost guilty at the fact that he had so often doubted that he was any more than a convenient lay for Ryan, but unfounded anger overpowered it. Anger over the fact that Ryan had ran away like this, had held in his feelings while Jeremy displayed his own on his sleeve, had let Jeremy believe for just a little bit that maybe he could have something good, and then left him on some stupid whim. He felt rage bubbling in his chest, and before he could stop himself he put his fist through the mirror.

 

The sound of shattering glass registered before the pain did, and he stared at his own fist in a shocked daze until he heard someone stumbling down the hall. He uncurled his fist as the door was shoved open, turning to meet Michael’s wide eyes. He was in nothing but boxers and a t-shirt, hair a curly rats nest and sleep clinging to every slightly sluggish movement he made as he closed the distance between them to examine Jeremy’s hand. He plucked glass out of the bleeding wounds between Jeremy’s knuckles, squinting slightly without his glasses. Jeremy snapped out of his shock when his hand was shoved under the tap, pain burning through his hand all at once.

 

“What the fuck did you do?” Michael said, voice calm and quiet in a way that made Jeremy feel like he was standing in the path of a tornado that he couldn’t yet see.

 

Jeremy clenched his fist, teeth gritting as Michael dug his thumb into a cut with one hand and forced him to meet his eyes.

 

“Jeremy, listen. I know this is tough, trust me I’m not having an easy fucking time either. Ray is gone, Ryan is gone, Gavin could flatline at any moment, and I’m doing my fucking best to hold it together. What’s going on, man? Is this about Ryan? Why do you look like shit?”

 

Jeremy did his best to avert his eyes, jaw tensing as Michael jerked his head to lock eyes again. He smacked Michael’s hands away, the anger that had rose because of Ryan trying to claw its way out of him to attack Michael. He took a step back, ignoring the way blood dripped from his fingertips and splashed against the bathroom floor tiles. He glanced over at the glass in the sink, having to physically stop himself from swinging and Michael’s hand landed on his shoulder.

 

“Go back to bed, Jeremy,” Michael growled, somewhere between concerned and livid.

 

Jeremy took a step toward the door, watching as Michael turned toward the shattered mirror. His eyes blazed in the jagged shards around the edges, and Jeremy suddenly realized why people were so afraid of an angry Mogar.

 

He went back to his room and wrapped his hand with the first aid kit shoved under his bed, changing his clothes and laying down an extra blanket to lay on instead of changing his sheets. The desk lamp went off, but the beginnings of sunrise were spilling in and bathing the room in grey. He tucked himself under his quilt, curling up and nuzzling into his too many pillows. After a moment of stiffness, he reached down and grabbed Ryan’s jacket, pulling it to his chest beneath the blankets and taking a deep inhale. 

 

Fire and smoke, coffee and sweets.

 

Jeremy was going to find Ryan, was going to bring them all back together, even if it killed him.


	22. Chapter 22

Michael was laying next to Gavin, holding the Brit close. Gavin’s eyes were closed, his breathing even as he rested. Bruises, gashes, and blood-soaked bandages covered Gavin, his bare skin draped with Michael’s arms. The room was quiet and still, the two men resting together in peace. Michael’s fingers gently brushed against Gavin’s skin soothingly as he stared at the ceiling. His mind was still racing from his encounter with Jeremy. Michael couldn’t forget the shaking anger Jeremy held after he had broken the bathroom mirror; Jeremy’s rageful silence when Michael asked what was wrong. His gut was sending off warning signs that something awful was going to happen, but Michael knew it would get worse anyways. Why wouldn’t it? Ryan was gone, Gavin nearly died, Geoff and Jack were besides themselves with worry. Ray was in the wind, and Jeremy was a mess about Ryan giving himself up for Gavin. Michael couldn’t explain how grateful he was to Ryan, but also how furious he was. Why hadn’t Ryan told them? Why didn’t Ryan make a plan with them? They could’ve worked something out to help! They--

“Micoo, calm down,” Gavin murmured into Michael’s neck, “I can hear you thinking and it’s driving me crazy.”

“Sorry,” Michael responded, tightening his grip protectively and leaning his head against Gavin’s, “I’ll stop. Rest.”

“What were you thinking about?” Gavin asked, opening his eyes and shifting to look at Michael. 

“It’s nothing important. Same old, same old,” Michael said coolly, not looking at the questioning Brit. 

“‘Bout Ryan? Jeremy?” Michael scowled before nodding slightly. Gavin nodded, moving back to his original spot. “I’m worried, too. Ryan’s a right bastard for doing that. Lil J isn’t doing good?”

“He broke the bathroom mirror,” Michael sighed, “Bloody hand with glass shards in it. He didn’t really let me clean it, either. Looked like shit, too. I’m worried he’s gonna do something stupid.”

“Lil J won’t do that to us, Micoo,” Gavin murmured sleepily, head slowly leaning heavily on Michael’s shoulder. “He’ll be smart, I think.”

“Get some rest, Gavvy,” Michael whispered to Gavin, rubbing his hand soothingly along the Brit’s side. “I’ll be here when you wake up again.”

~~~~~

Geoff was sat on his bed, cup of coffee held tightly in his hand as Jack laid against him, both exhausted. Jack noticed Geoff’s hand shaking and took the cup before it could fall and make a mess, placing it gently on the bedside table. Geoff didn’t notice, or at least it didn’t seem like he did, but Jack wasn’t too worried about that. No, the look of sheer sadness glowing in Geoff’s eyes were enough to make Jack feel sick. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Jack offered, only receiving a meaningless shrug from Geoff. Jack scowled at the man before bumping his shoulder against Geoff’s to get his attention. “What’s bothering you the most?”

“Ryan gave himself up in order to let Gavin come home,” Geoff murmured quietly, eyes distantly sad, “Now he’s probably dead. Gavin’s in the air on ‘will he live or will he die’. Jeremy’s a mess about Ryan leaving. Ray left for God knows where.” Geoff turned slowly to look at Jack. “What’s our family come to? I couldn’t even protect Ryan.”

“It’s not your fault, Geoff,” Jack gently scolded, “And Ryan’s a big boy, he can take care of himself. He wouldn’t let anyone do it for him, that’s for sure. Gavin’ll be fine, he’s too stubborn to give up that easily when there’s still work for him to get done. And Jeremy lost the love of his life before they admitted it to each other, it’s obvious he’d be a mess. But what’s important is that we don’t fall apart completely. We need to stick together like always: the Fake AH Crew. That’s who we are and that’s who we’ll always be.”

Geoff wrapped his arms around Jack, hugging him tightly as his chest tightened with emotions. Jack returned the gesture, clinging to Geoff like a life-line. They would be okay, they always have been. Everything’s gone to shit, but everything’ll work out in the end. Jack would make sure of it; he would die rather than let his family suffer. 

~~~~~

Ryan leaned against the solid wall behind him. Blood was cooling on his face, warm blood dripping slowly from his lips. A cracking pain shoots through his chests with every breath, his ribs burning and rubbing against each other. The chains rub against his skin, burning his wrists raw and bloody. 

“The great and mighty Vagabond, as helpless and useless as a crying infant.”

“Staying silent does nothing when your body speaks for you.”

“Hope you don’t think you’ll survive this one, Vagabond.”

“I’m going to torture you so horribly that Hell will be a vacation.”

“I’m sure Jeremy boy would cry if he saw you in this pathetic state.”

“I wonder how easy it would be to kill your boyfriend, Vagabond.”

“No one’s coming to save you this time.”

The insults and taunts echo in Ryan’s mind. His teeth rip into his lip, spilling warm blood against his tongue and lips. Ryan squeezed his eyes shut, shaking his head to silently willing them away. The man knew that he deserved this torture, all the blood and lives he’s taken attest to that, but Ryan had no fight left. Everything he had was gone, wasted away into nothing. Even if his family could save him this time, Ryan would probably be useless to them. 

A salty tear slips from the corner of Ryan’s eye, mixing with the dried and drying blood and the dirt covering his skin. Ryan hoped they wouldn’t risk trying to save him. He wouldn’t be any good to them now. His muscles go lax as he leans more heavily on the wall. Not even Jeremy could find anything worth saving, Ryan thought as his eyes closed, his pained breathing slowing. I’m sorry, Jer. I’m sorry.


End file.
